It’s time once again for Heather from Family Volley to share with us some Parenting Tips as part of her “Parenting Tips Series with Heather Johnson” here on The Idea Room. I for one, really enjoy all her great tips and advice on things that most of us as parents struggle with. Here’s Heather in her own words…
–Amy
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Thank you for all the great comments on last week’s post about “How to Date Your Husband”. It was exciting to hear that the questions helped get the conversation between you and your spouse started. Since I started guest posting here on The Idea Room, I have received some great questions from readers. Believe it or not, at least a third of them have come from wives who want to know how to “put the spark back in their marriages”.
The complaint is that things are not like they “used to be”, and at the end of the day when their spouses are looking forward to spending time together, they are tired, exhausted, and “not in the mood”. The questions have been honest and straightforward. With so many women wondering the same thing, I thought we would address the topic. Don’t worry, it’s family friendly.
First, realize that to women, subconsciously everything is related to how we feel about being intimate. Dishes aren’t done, intimate. Kids were hard to handle today, intimate. The house is a mess, intimate. Husband helped with the laundry, In.tim.ate Sometimes men don’t understand this. Tell them. Explain how difficult it can be to “relax”, when there are so many things that need to be done, and so many things on your mind. For women a bad day means they are “not interested”. Men do not usually view things this same way. Women need to be shown love and attention. For women, having our husbands help shoulder our responsibilities is much more likely to get us in the “mood”.
So given that everything in our day affects how we feel about the bedroom, we can make some changes in different aspects of our day that will help us more easily find the “temperature” we have been looking for. Struggles in the bedroom are not necessarily bed room problems, but all the other problems in life tend to affect the bedroom.
- Life in general can make us tired, but sometimes we are trying to do too much and that makes us really tired. When we are really tired we don’t have the energy to “be together”. Assess your families life. Are there some things that you could cut out so you have more energy to be together. Be sure your family isn’t over scheduled. Activities are good, for you and your kids, but too many will mean your family is not getting stronger, instead you get weaker because there is no energy to spend with one another.
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Establish a bed time for your children, and stick with it. Not only will it be better for your children, but it will give you and your husband time to be together everyday. This alone time is very important when you are trying to establish “similar temperatures”.
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When you have time together at night because the kids have a bed time you stick with, spend that time talking. Turn off the television, turn off the computer and any other technological distractions and Talk. Remember when you were courting, when things were “how they used to be”. Remember when you fell in love? You probably talked a lot together. Try it again, only listen and learn as if it’s the first time, and don’t interrupt. You have to make time to do this on a daily basis. 15 minutes of talking daily is one of the surest ways to keep the two of you from “drifting apart”. 15 minutes doesn’t sound like much, but most (like 80%) of couples, don’t talk to one another for 15 minutes a day. Pay attention to one another the way you used to.
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Along these same lines, if you have a television in your bedroom, take it out. Let your bedroom be open to connection through words and touch.
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Go on dates. Weekly. Or at least every other week. Baby sitters are much less expensive than therapists. It is okay to leave the kids and go do something together. This sends a message to your children that your marriage is important. Hold hands, walk slow and enjoy being together. Treat each other with kindness and respect and you will feel the temperature rise as you spend time just the two of you. This can include a night away with one another. You can’t expect to retain feelings of love when you neglect your companionship.
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Find things you like to do together and do them. Don’t give up the things that made you so happy at the earlier phase of your marriage. Be intentional and do things together.
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Say hello and goodbye to one another. When your husband leaves for work, don’t just holler “bye” from the kitchen. Go to him, give him a kiss, an I Love You, and say goodbye. Connect the same way when he comes home. When you were dating I bet you wrapped your arms around him and wouldn’t let go. Do that again.
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Go to bed at the same time. Establish a nightly routine that allows you and your husband to climb into bed at the same time. Laugh and chat while you brush your teeth. This routine should happen every night if possible.
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This one is direct. For the next three months, you and your husband each commit to being intimate twice a week. You are responsible for initiating once, and your husband the other. When it’s your turn, set the mood, the place and the time, the agenda. When it’s your husbands turn, be a willing participant. You will quickly see that those two days of the week you may treat each other better than you did when you were first married. Set aside time and make it a priority.
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Don’t be so judgmental and hard on yourself. Let go of the thought that you don’t look like you did before you had kids, or when you were younger. Be comfortable and confident in your own skin. We are always hardest on ourselves. Relax and learn to love yourself.
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Make your bedroom a safe haven. I am so guilty of this one. If I am not careful, our bedroom becomes the dumping ground for everything undone. Especially unfolded laundry. I always think by putting it on the bed, it will force me to fold it before I go to sleep. Yeah, doesn’t always work. It is the last place in the house to get vacuumed and dusted. Our bedrooms should be a safe and comfortable place for our relationships. Make the bed everyday, don’t let it become the laundry room, and attend to it just like you do the rest of your house. It will make a big difference when you climb in to bed with your spouse each night.
You will start to find that as you and your husband put more effort into finding time to be together, you will feel better about yourself also. Use your alone time to compliment one another and express gratitude for all your spouse does. Thank him for all the ways he supports your family. Tell your husband how you feel when he acknowledges all the hard work you do for him and for your children.
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Jackie says
Great Ideas; I think what is even harder is when there are things that cause many of those things you mentioned to not be able to happen. I.E – my husbands schedule puts him in bed at 7;30 every night, at the same time as the kids. We used to always go to bed together, now I’m up finihsing up everything from the day (I stop when he gets home at 5:00 and we spend family time until bedtime.) The date night idea is fantastic – but for many people, myself included, even that extra $15-20 for a babysitter (even to do something “free”) is no where in the budget and taking the kdis is great . .but again, many don’t have the extra money for gas or any other little item. WIth that said – I think that to keep a marriage strong you have to be initentional; finding ways to connect even when life is tiring.
Suzanne says
Hello! Thank you for this post. We have a date on the calendar for tomorrow night and I’m excited about it. Honestly we don’t do it enough and this was a great reminder. There are several other points that I have taken to heart and hope to implement as well. Cheers!
Sara Anderson says
Weekly date nights. At least one weekend get away a year. Texting loving or “intimate” messages during the day.
Jackie – I know many people who do date nights in! Watch a movie, make a special meal, play a game, etc.
Lynette says
Thanks, I loved your ideas and insights.
Natalie says
We had a church leader say in a meeting once that you should always go to bed at the same time. Of course sometimes that can’t always work but my husband and I always go to bed at the same time and we love it. Great ideas!
kelly says
great post! we have always gone to bed at the same time, my husband has to get up very early so goes to bed early, i just made that my bed time because i wanted to lay in bed and talk! the kids bedtime is important too. sometimes mom’s use their kids as “barriers” and let them stay up or come in their bed. don’t do it!
our kids are older now and it is easier but the computer is a problem for both of us and we need to really try to do better with that but we do walk the dog every night and talk about the day!
Jennifer says
Thank you so much for this. I love what you said about keep the bedroom as a haven. That is completely my problem! I spend so much time organizing and cleaning the rest of the house, that my bedroom is ALWAYS the dumping grounds. If I don’t know where to put it, it goes on my bed. We are planning on redecorating our bedroom this fall so I think that will help, but I’m definitely going to take your advice to heart! Thank you so much!
Marin D says
I really like this – other than the tv thing – LOL. I can’t turn my brain off and need the distraction to fall asleep. Also we like to kick our girls out of the room and watch a movie together all snuggled in bed at least once a week. It is a nice little “date” at home.
But I definitely agree with the room being a resting place kind of idea. I am a little mad that my husband insisted on putting our computer in there when we moved in. And I am mad that when he was starting to work at home that he made it his office space. We have an extra bedroom and I tried to get him to get the bed set out and make it an office so our room wasn’t so ugh! but I lost that battle. He wants to make sure his parents have a place to stay when they need it. Who cares? Our rest and sanity is more important. I hate our room now! Other than going to sleep, it’s the last place in the house I want to be. His loss! ;o)
Laura says
To those with a concern about paying a sitter…don’t let that be a reason for not going out. Find a couple that would like to co-op…you know…you watch my kids then I will watch yours. Or exchange services…if someone watches your kids for you…in return you do something they need.
The most romantic dates I have been on have been the ones that were more creative and thoughtful…rather than expensive. You do not have to spend money to have a good time. Simply going on a walk and holding hands can be just what you need at the moment.
If you can’t leave the kids…then think about just leaving them inside and escaping to the back yard or porch…or garage even! Let the kids know it is date time and let them have a “camp-out” of their own in the living room. They can get out sleeping bags and pop popcorn while watching a fun movie. You and your hubby can have a picnic outside and snuggle on a blanket. Sit in the car and listen to your favorite music and eat your favorite junk food like teenagers do:) Play a card or board game on the porch or put on some slow music and dance. None of these activities cost any money…and you are accessible to the kids if the need arises.
The truth is…there will always be an excuse or a reason to put off date night…but make a commitment to it. Nothing is more refreshing and rejuvinating than when I get to spend time with my husband alone…so at first I had to start demanding that time from life because it was not originally there. I had to start making it a priority until that time was there on a regular basis and nothing got in the way.
It is not want…it is a need. All couples need this time. So just do it! :)
Little Wonders' Days says
What a wonderful post! So many great suggestions. We find it hard to go out regularly, either b/c babysitters are scarce or we’re just too tired. However, we have a home date on Friday nights, “Happy Friday Night”, after the kids are in bed. We find this just as enjoyable as going out.
Mary says
Great post! I love the line about babysitters being cheaper than therapists! Good perspective!
Sarah says
What a timely article! I’m on our MOPS planning committee and “How to Date Your Husband” is one of the topics we just added to this year’s meetings. And 2 days ago I wrote a personal blog post entitled “Used to be”, talking about the things my hubby and I used to do that we don’t do at all anymore with three young children. We just went on a date last night (just dinner, errands, and dessert, but STILL!) and I’d just vowed to try to do SOME sort of date every 2 weeks, whether it’s to the city or just breakfast or tennis at the park, I really want to start DATING again! Great post!
Megan says
Hello,
I came across your blog and was very intrigued. I just had a couple of questions, so if you could e-mail me back that would be great! Thank you for your time.