It’s time once again for Heather from Family Volley to share with us some Parenting Tips as part of her “Parenting Tips Series with Heather Johnson” here on The Idea Room. I for one, really enjoy all her great tips and advice on things that most of us as parents struggle with. Here’s Heather in her own words…
–Amy
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One of my biggest concerns as a parent is our children being bullied, teased and made fun of. We have all experienced bullying to differing degrees and know how horrible it feels. It is a real problem that will most likely happen to all our children at some point in time.
Studies estimate that almost one in three American school children is either a bully or a victim and that 160,000 children a day skip school because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students.
As parents the statistics can make us feel helpless. We shouldn’t wait until our child is bullied, or leave it up to the schools to teach them. There is much we can do to help our children avoid, prepare for, and deal with bullying. We need to start our preparations early.
First, we need to realize that bullying comes down to conflict management. OUR KIDS WILL FACE CONFRONTATION in their lives. In school, at the park, in church, in college, in the work place, in their neighborhoods, in marriage, in parenting. Dealing with conflict is a life long skill.
Second, we need to help our children understand that it is never okay to fight. For the most part, nothing good comes of fighting. Fighting is not the answer. When our children are 40 and they have a disagreement with a coworker, they can’t use their fists to solve the problem then. Why would we teach them that is how to deal with conflict now. It is not a skill that will serve them through their lives.
That said, we need to teach our children that they stand up for themselves in self defense. They should know that if they need to defend themselves because they are being, or going to be physically attacked, then they defend themselves. And, that if they do have to fight in self defense, that you will understand. They need to know that they always defend themselves if/when things turn physical.
Then, we need to…
Talking to our children young
Waiting until our kids are bullied is not a good time to start addressing the issue. Children who feel embarrassed or humiliated about being bullied are very unlikely to come home and share how they feel. Instead they will withdraw and suffer alone. Make it clear to your children that you are always there to listen, and that you know bullying can happen. Use situations and find ways to bring up the subject and discuss it when they are young.
Role Play (start children young)
Give your children different scenarios and teach them how to handle them. “What do you do if…?” (someone calls you a name, makes fun of you, someone takes your lunch, someone hits you). Go through each situation and teach them what to say and do. It will empower them, and when they are faced with the bully they wont be as intimidated because they will have had experience and practiced what to do.
Role play simple verbal and non-verbal cues…
- Stand Straight and Tall
- Keep shoulders back
- Don’t show emotion
- Use firm strong voices
Teach Conflict Resolution
We have to teach our children how to deal with conflict and confrontation. Teach them to manage their anger, listen and communicate. Teach them how to be patient and compromise. This is done through everyday life situations and role play. As conflict happens in your home, between siblings, use it to teach. We also must be good examples of conflict resolution in our own adult lives.
Let kids work things out on their own.
As parents we can be very quick to step in and stop the arguing and disagreements between our children. We decide who we think is entitled to “winning” and then go about our business, happy with ourselves because the arguing and disagreeing has stopped. We need to let our children work out their own disagreements. If we will sit back and watch, they will almost always be able to solve their own problems. These family situations are the perfect place for them to practice working through conflict when dealing with others.
Listen to our children
When our kids try and talk to us, we have to listen. They will drop little hints when there are bullying problems. It is easy to miss the cues when we are not really listening to what is being said. When our kids talk to us, we need to put everything else aside and really be in the moment to listen. Kids will tell us there is a problem long before bullying turns physical, listen to them.
Verbal Abuse is abuse.
Just because the bullying is verbal, doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Verbal bullying leads to the same negative effects as physical bullying: high levels of emotional distress, loneliness, lower self esteem, depression and anxiety. Acknowledge your children’s complaints and concerns.
Give them a hobby, interest, sport, talent, where they can excel.
We should involve our children in healthy activities where they find success. Something they like, that challenges them and where they can excel. Whether it is sports, a hobby or an interest. These activities will boost their self confidence. They teach children how to deal with success and failure, solve problems, deal with others and speak their minds.
Research teaches us that helping your children build their self confidence is one of the best defenses against bullying.
Model Empathy
As parents, we need to model kind, gentle behavior for our children. They learn by watching us. Be sure that the other adults and kids that are around our children demonstrate empathy as well. We need to teach our kids to try to understand other’s points of view and to feel compassion towards others. If we are always raising our voices, showing impatience, and arguing, they will do the same.
Dad can make a difference.
Involved dads make a huge difference in the confidence of their children. Dads need to not only model strength and confidence, but sympathy and empathy. If there is not a dad that fills this role for your children, seek out a strong male role model who can help.
Have your kids been bullied? How did you handle the situation?
Were you bullied as a child, or as an adult?
Have a question or just want to say hello.
Great ideas! Thanks for sharing
Sandie, glad it was helpful. Bullying is a real thing that worries all parents.
Yes! The bullying towards my daughter has caused suiedo seizures. Some kids cannot cope well. Great advice.
Tiffanie,
I am so sorry to hear that your daughter has had to deal with bullies, and the affect they have had on her health. I hope that things are getting better and you were able find some resolve.
Bullying is a BIG problem…I as a mom have experienced what we fear for our children first hand. My oldest son is shy and introverted. He does not play sports, therefor he was a big target. Now that he is in High School it is not as bad, but the one thing I can say is communication with your kids is vital. They need to feel comfy talking to you about everything. As soon as I found out it happened, I was on the phone with my sons principal. He would then handle it by telling the bully that some of the other kids witnessed this and then with punishment. Then his first year of high school, he was confident enough to go the principal when a bully said if he had a gun, he would kill him, Pointed to my son and 2 other boys that are his friends. Parents stepped in and it was handled and that was 2 years ago. It is scary and should never be taken lightly always taken serious…and remember it is not only kids who bully your children…sometimes their teachers do as well. Keep your eyes and ears open and get involved with the school. Make sure the principal knows you and you have established good relationships with them and your childs teachers.
Kelly,
It is heartbreaking to hear that your son had to deal with Bullying. It IS very real, and your experiences and advice is wonderful. Hats off to you for listening to your son, and creating an environment where he felt safe to communicate and confide. What a blessing that in your situation your principle and the other parents were willing to take action and resolve the situation. It sounds like the situations turned out to be a success and your son is stronger as a result of the way it was handled. Thank you for sharing your experiences. They really do help other parents.
What a great post! I am facing this right now with my four year old son. He’s got such a sweet gentle spirit & seems to be an easy target for bullies (at our CHURCH, of all places!)…What you have shared is a HUGE help & I’ll be thinking about it & trying to follow through on your advice.
It makes me so sad that this is even an issue at four years old. What I’m wondering is what I can do as a parent to combat the bully with my child. Afterall, my son’s bullies are very young too. They’re 4 & 7… Should I speak up when there’s a problem & confront the child myself? Or do I talk to their parents? Or do I just let my son practice what I’m teaching him & let him deal with it? What a hard place to be…and it sure does require A LOT of prayer!
Bullying is a serious issue, it is a serious, matter and calls for serious action on the part of parents as children can’t handle it individually. You as a parent should teach your child to be assertive in expressing his or her feelings, they should know how to identify bullying behaviors. Encourage them for taking the brave step of reporting that incident and console them that things will get better, and that you will always be there when they need you. I was scanning through a few blogs and found this article on a Safety Service for my children. It seemed interesting so I checked it out on Facebook and actually got 15 days free. Here’s the article: http://anationofmoms.com/2011/08/protect-your-family-giveaway.html