Throughout our stint as parents, there will be plenty of tough conversations we will have to have with our children. One that is always tough for me is talking to our kids about strangers. I don’t even want to think about it, let alone have to talk about it. In fact it makes me nervous typing about it. I worry about being able to teach them without scaring them. Never the less, it is a conversation we MUST have. More than once in fact.
With summer around the corner, our kids are going to be outside more, riding their bikes around the neighbor and playing with their friends. Now is the perfect time to start talking to them about strangers and what to do if they are ever faced with the situation.
Let me help you with the conversation.
Uh, I wasn’t really expecting that. But I am so glad she asked.
We need to distinguish between bad strangers and safe strangers. Safe strangers are people that our children can go to for help. This would include policemen, firemen and teachers. Take time to talk about the difference between safe strangers and bad strangers.
- When someone asks them for directions or help. This would include being asked to find a missing dog etc…
- When someone asks your child to keep something a secret.
- If someone does or says something that makes them uncomfortable.
- If someone encourages them to disobey you, break family rules, or do something wrong.
- If someone asks them to come up to a car window or follow them somewhere.
- If someone tries to grab or touch your child.
Once our children understand what a stranger is, and what a dangerous situation is, we MUST role play situations that our children might be faced with. Role playing is one of the most powerful parenting tools we have. It prepares our children so that when they are faced with the situation, they have confidence in their abilities, because they feel like they have already handled the situation. It also helps them know just what to do. They don’t have to waste precious time trying to decide how they should act because they already know.
A stranger asks your child if they want a ride home.
A stranger stops to ask if your child has seen their missing dog.
A stranger asks your child for directions.
A stranger asks your child if they want a treat or candy.
A stranger tries to grab your child.
A strangers tells your child they are supposed to take them home.
Teach your child what to do in these situations.
- Never get close to the car, or the stranger. Keep your distance.
- Yell “No” as loud as you can and run away from the stranger.
- Kick and scream and thrash if necessary.
- Tell an adult, or safe stranger what has happened right away.
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Teacher@Home says
I found an excellent episode of the Berenstain Bears that deals with the topic of stranger danger extremely well. If you can find ‘The Berenstain Bears learn about Strangers’ I would highly recommend it.
jessica says
What age would you recommend having this conversation? I have 4 kids, but my younger ones are 4 and almost 3.
Tez says
Many, many studies and compilations of statistics indicate that ‘stranger danger’ is really less danger than parents are led to believe.
Of course we need to teach our children how to conduct themselves in a safe manner and give them examples from a variety of situations, to equip them the best we can…..that being said, ‘stranger danger’ is NOT something which should be highlighted and discussed in an intense and impressive way. At least not in the manner I picked up here.
It is poor advice to teach parents to talk about ‘stranger danger’ when the child is more likely to face danger from children in their class (via bullying, children need to be taught how to handle bullies more than strangers), people in their family (most situations of molestations occur by someone in or known to the family) Have you taught your kids what to do in the case of harm by someone the family does NOT consider a stranger?
They would be MUCH more safe, having that information, than ‘stranger danger’ information and parents who are confident in the safety of their children, because they taught this, may in fact be erroneously comfortable.
I wish this information would have been shared along with the exhortations to teach about “stranger danger’. I really hate that term. It is not accurate.
Wow, Tez sure does feel strongly about this. I’m not sure how you can say that it isnt’ at ALL important to tell your kids not to go off with someone they don’t know, it happens often enough. Just because there are other dangers like bullying and being abused by someone they don’t know doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be taught about other potential harms. That’s like saying don’t teach them about fire safety because drowning in the pool is much more likely. Not sound reasoning.
My 2 young boys, 6 & 7 recently got away from grandma on the way home from the park by our brand new home. They were scared and ended up GETTING IN THE CAR WITH SOME MAN THEY DIDN’T KNOW! I never would have thought they would have done that! The guy drove around with them in our neighborhood for 30 minutes while we all frantically searched for them (of course the cops had been called). Luckily the man ended up finding our house and dropping them off unharmed. He just missed the cop by seconds or according to the officer he could have been arrested for child kidnapping and endangerment.
The cop came into our home and talked about HOW VERY VERY SERIOUS IT IS NOT TO GET INTO THE CAR WITH SOMEONE THEY DON’T KNOW! He proceeded to ask them what the man talked to them about, where they sat and if he touched them at all. My stomach was in my throat
Thank you for spreading the word.
You’ll note that I didn’t say it wasn’t at all important.
I suggested that the intensity and focus on the idea of stranger danger, belies it’s actual danger. Of course there are anecdotes of victims of stranger abduction etc. Not once did I say it wasn’t a danger at all. It is simply less of a danger than is portrayed here IN COMPARISON to the rates of danger with someone the child knows.
I’m not suggesting that this not be discussed at all, but that it be part of an ongoing discussion with children and not attatched to some cutesy phrase “stranger danger’ which gives erroneous information.
Are you also teaching the child to differentiate between what is safe with people one knows and what is safe with a stranger? It is safe to go to ‘the pay lady’ of a store and say, ‘can you page my mom, I can’t find her’, it is NOT safe to go to the washroom with this woman or go to the car with this woman.
Neither is it safe to keep a secret that the grandfather wants kept, when that secret is that he is fondling the child’s genitals.
So in the grand scheme of things, my major objection is that this is trumped up into something that it isn’t and the author of the parenting tidbit both went too far and not far enough in her efforts to write a piece about keeping kids safe.
Teaching ‘stranger danger’ as a phrase is more dangerous than teaching children how to be safe in general.
I think what she shared about strangers ( since it is the topic of her post ) is completely appropriate. she didn’t write, ” talking to our kids about every person who could harm them “. Maybe try to know the context before you critique. Of course others could harm your child, but she’s addressing the issue of strangers in this article. Yes it could be one in a million kids who get approached by a stranger who wishes to inflict harm, but if its your child you would hopefully want them to know what to do. I really don’t understand this mommy wars business that women like you promote. What she said is good and helpful. If you have more to add, great, but criticizing her honest effort to address talking to our kids about strangers is unnecessary. I appreciated the article.
Maybe you should try to understand what I was objecting to before you critique? I’ll invite you to read and re read my comments.
I specifically object to the term ‘stranger danger’ it is erroneous and teaching it is more dangerous than simply teaching kids how to keep safe…..sure, teach them how to keep safe in public and who to go to if they need help and how if someone asks to give them a ride, say NO etc…..but to frame it as ‘stranger danger’….not good.
So anything supportive can be posted, but something which disagrees, cannot?
Women like me???? Mommy wars????
You put words in my mouth and judged me as something I’m not and accused me of doing something which wasn’t even in my intent, simply because I have a major objection to how this was presented.
A victim of “stranger danger” myself, I think this is valuable information. But it should be an ongoing discussion, not a once-off. In my case, I was 8 years old, had received many ‘chats’ from my parents and teachers, and even watched a “60 Minutes” special just days prior! We teach our kids to respect their elders, to not back-chat, to be helpful… We need to teach our kids about who to trust (eg police, teachers) and who to be wary of (eg people passing by, people in vehicles), as well as people they know who abuse their trust (eg friend, family member). It is complacent to think that ‘it can’t happen to you/your kid’. I was approached while playing in my yard!
Thanks so much for this great reminder Heather! We’ve talked to our kids before but this was a great reminder for it to be on-going, sounds like the Family Home Evening Lesson for next week:-) Have a great day!
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