Parenting Tips with Heather Johnson

Six Things Fathers REALLY Want For Father’s Day

With Father’s Day just a few days away, we are probably all looking for the perfect gift for the men in our lives. Ties, electronics, and sporting equipment seem to top the list of gifts we give to make the fathers in our lives feel special. But….Being a father is about more than golf clubs and it is important that we make dads feel special year round. Here are 6 suggestions for ways we can make the fathers in our lives feel special, all year long. You can’t wrap them up in paper and ribbons, but they will make the men in our lives feel much more like the great dads they are.

Fathers Want… to do Things Their Way. As women, it is easy to feel there is a right and wrong to the way things should be done around the house, and with the kids. The dishwasher should be loaded a certain way, putting the kids to bed should be done a certain way, and folding the children’s clothes should be done just so. But that is not the case. There are lots of ways to load dishwashers, fold clothes and make kids feel special at bedtime. Instead of making our husbands feel like they have to do things our way, step back and let them be dads their way. They come with a whole life of experiences and expectations they want to apply to parenthood also. So let them. We should never make them feel guilty or wrong because they do things differently than we do. Plus, if we are constantly unwilling to accept the effort they are putting in, they will stop putting in the effort.

Fathers Want… to Teach and Share. As a mom, I want our kids to learn and love all the things I did as a child. I want our kids to learn to play tennis, and swim and doodle and draw. But we need to realize that fathers want to teach their kids what they know and love too. I recently learned this the hard way as I was talking to my husband. He grew up hunting, I did not grow up in a family that participated in that type of recreation. If we are being honest, it scares me. The two of us were talking two weeks ago and he mentioned it was time to teach our son to shoot a gun. I tried to be understanding, but couldn’t help but express my concern. After we went back and forth, with me questioning why it was necessary for these skills to be taught, things got a bit quiet. Then my husband spoke up. “You know, I would love to teach our kids things I did growing up too.” Ouch! I know this concept, but had neglected to live it. I had never even thought about it that way in our home. Don’t learn the lesson the hard way like I did. Realize that they are excited about sharing themselves with your kids also. We married them after all. We need to trust them and let them.

Fathers Want… Us to Love Them. It is easy over time to let the little quirks or habits our husbands might have, start to bother us. But remember, it is probably those little quirks that we fell in love with in the first place. We have plenty of our own quirks and habits. I know I don’t want my husband pointing them out all day. Love the father of your children just the way he is. Even if there are socks on the floor. There are much more important things in this life, than that.

Fathers Want… to Help. Take all the help they give and ask for help too. I am horrible at this. The kids will ask my husband for help with something and from the other room I holler, “it’s okay, just bring it here, I will help you,”…or “come here, I can do it.” There is no need for that. I don’t need to take away opportunities for him to help and for him to be a dad. Nor do I do it any better than he does/would. I have noticed I tend to jump in more when they are asking him to do things that usually fall under my “mother role”. Help getting dressed or getting something to eat, or making their beds. Or I feel guilty because I didn’t get it done first. I also catch myself not wanting to burden him. But he does’t see it that way. Don’t take away their opportunities to be a dad and ask for help.

Fathers Want… Credit. We have to be careful with the words we use. Saying “my children” all of a sudden takes dads out of the equation. Or “I have four children.” It is a really simple thing, but they are his kids too. When we are talking, use “ours” and “we”. “We have four children”. “This is our son.” Even if he isn’t around.

Fathers Want… You to Stop Saying Mean/Embarrassing or Critical Things About Them. It can be easy to be with girl friends and start sharing critical things about the father of our children. We say them out of jest, or to be funny. But if roles were reversed, we would be really hurt if our husbands talked about us that way. Don’t get caught up in the conversation. Always say positive and kind things to others about dads. A nice new tie or sushi dinner will make my husband happy this Sunday. But he will feel even more special if I can remember to treat him like the great dad he is, year round. Happy Father’s Day to All The Wonderful Men in Our Lives!

What are you giving your Father/Husband for Father’s Day this year?

Anyone else a little afraid of what your hubby wants to teach the kids?

Have a question or just want to say hello.

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Tips For Surviving and Enjoying Summer Break with Kids

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A friend and I were talking a few days ago. Both in disbelief that the kids only have a week of school left and then it will be summer break. Where has the past school year gone?

Moms seems to have a love/hate relationship with summer. They are excited to have their children home more, excited to not have so many responsibilities (places to be), but feeling anxious about all the time that will need to be filled. “Mom I’m Booooooorrrrrred” seems to instill fear in mother’s around the world.

There are lost of resources and ideas for activities and things to do during the summer months, but here are some general thoughts to help ease the anxiety that might be threatening your summer fun.

First, it is easy to get overwhelmed by all the grand ideas floating around the internet about how to spend your summer. Don’t let yourself feel bad if you don’t have a list of 1000 things to do. One of the most beautiful things, and my favorite part about summer, is that it allows families to have down time. Isn’t that what summer break is for? Allow your family to have down time also. Every minute of every day does not need to be scheduled or planned.

Plan unscheduled time for your children this summer.

Don’t abandon routine. A completely unstructured summer will lead to stress, boredom, and a very crazy messy house. Just because school is not in session, doesn’t mean routine and responsibilities should go out the window. Give your children responsibilities that are appropriate for their ages and abilities and be sure those things are taken care of each day. We have found that the best time for chores and household responsibilities are first thing in the morning. Help your children understand that when things are in order at home, it leaves more time for your family to do all the fun things summer has to offer.

Consider service. One of the best things we can do for our children, is teach them the importance of serving and helping others. While you are planning your summer activities, be willing to focus more on service oriented activities. Seeing the needs of others and finding ways to help those around us is a lifelong skill we want our children to develop. Summer is the perfect time to start working on it.

Plan ahead. Take a few minutes to do some research about all the fun things your city has to offer over the next few months. Most places you will want to visit, do promotions, two for one days, kids free days etc… These are good things to know in advance and great to put on the calendar. That way, you have planned ahead and saved money too. There is nothing wrong with calendaring your next few months. Plan in your vacations, and experiences so the whole family can see not only what is coming up, but what available time your family has to do other things too.

Ask for input. Ask your children what they want to do this summer. They have been dreaming about it too :). They are certain to have opinions, and including them will help them feel in control and assume ownership over their actions throughout the next few months. They will also be much more likely to take care of their chores and responsibilities when they know they are getting to participate in things they are excited about, because they helped choose them.

Regulate Screen Time Early. Don’t let technology get the best of your family. Set your screen time guidelines BEFORE the summer gets under way. Otherwise you will find yourself fighting the TV fight every day. Can your children watch an hour a day? Only a certain show each day? 30 minutes a day on the computer? Lay down the technology laws early and you will have a much smoother summer.

Don’t forget the books. One of the best activities for your children to be involved in over the next few months, is continued reading. It will help them retain what they learned in school, and keep their minds and imaginations sharp. Whether they can read themselves, or you read to them, it is worth spending the extra time to help them read each day. Reading seems to fit really well into summer mornings. It’s a great thing to get it done right around the same time children are taking care of their chores and responsibilities. I also like to have the kids take an afternoon break to slow down and read.

Needs and Values. Want to know what to plan this summer? Sit down and write out a list of the needs your family has, and the values that you want them to learn or work on. Once you have identified those things, start plugging in activities that help you accomplish those goals. You will find this simple exercise brings meaning to your summer plans and gives you a great focus in your planning.

Love them. Instead of thinking about how stressful it might be to entertain our children over the next few months, think about how wonderful it is going to be to see their smiling faces each day. Take the time to get to know them, talk to them more, laugh with them more, and share more experiences with them.

Here’s to making many summer memories!

Does summer vacation make you anxious?

What is your favorite thing to do with your children in the summer?

Have a question or just want to say hello.

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Toilet Training Part 2

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Last post, Toilet Training Part 1, we talked about helpful guidelines to follow when it comes to preparing your child for toilet training, and also helping you to gauge if your child is ready to be trained. Now….

Recognize, that no matter what the age, but especially if you are struggling to train an older child, it is usually not about their ability to be trained, it is all about CONTROL.

We can control or force everything upon a child, but, Going to the bathroom is the one thing that children have ultimate control over. Ultimate Control. They decided where and when they will go, and there is little, if anything that we can do about it. Some children will hold on to this for as long as they can. The child feels like they don’t have control over their lives so they try to gain control by hanging on to the one thing they are ultimately in charge of. Their bowels. It gives them control over something, and they know that, and it gives them attention and power. Refusing to train is an outward expression of those inward feelings.

So how can we get kids to give up this control so that they can be trained? I offer two suggestions.

Give the child control in other areas. The goal is to have them feel in control of their lives. Give them two choices of what to wear in the morning, let them choose. Let them choose what they want for lunch. Let them choose their vegetables . Let them choose what park you will play at, or the routine they would like to follow for bedtime. Let them choose the jobs they will do around the house or where they want to sit in the car. Give them opportunities to lead and to be in charge. As they begin to feel control over other aspects of their environment they will relinquish control of their bowls.
Give your child more one-on-one attention. To a child who is seeking attention, it doesn’t matter if the attention comes from positive or negative actions, it is still attention. When a child does something wrong, even if you scold them, you have had to “deal” with them, you have paid attention to them. Set aside extra time to be with your child. Time everyday to play, with no restictions, or interuptions. Let your child choose what they want to do. Pretty soon the extra positive attention will help them let go of the need to gain attention by being unwilling to train, or by going in their pants. They wont need you to change their diaper to get attention because they will be getting plenty of attention in other ways.

Refer back to what we talked about last post with a stubborn child. If you have a child that is stubborn, use those techniques to deal with them before you try and train them.

Next, as a parent, when you decide to train, stick with it. In many cases the parents were not committed to training the child and that is why it was unsuccessful. It sends mixed messages to your children if you are willing to go back and forth from diapers to underwear to diapers to underwear. Why are children going to put forth effort when they know their parents will just give in and let them go back to diapers? Parents need to be ready for toilet training also. Don’t dabble in it. Wait until you and your child are ready to do what it takes and then go for it, don’t look back. Stay the course.

When a child becomes toilet trained it gives him/her great confidence and a feeling of mastery. These feelings will generalize into other aspects of their lives. They will have more confidence and desire to do things on their own, like feeding themselves and dressing themselves. This new confidence will buoy them up and push them to face new challenges and tasks.

MY FAVORITE METHOD

Whether you are just starting to think about training a child, or you have a 5 year old who is long over due for “big boy pants”, my favorite technique for toilet training is “Toilet Training in Less Than a Day” by Nathan Azrin and Richard Foxx. You can find the book online or at your local book store.

Not only does the method work, but your child is trained in a day, and oh how the stress is alleviated. It will be a pleasant experience for everyone involved.

Much of what we have talked about in yesterday and today’s posts comes from basic learning strategies that can be found in “Training in a Day”, as well as most psychology books. These learning theories really work, and not just with toilet training. They are vital to raising children, regardless of the challenge.

A word of advice. This method is successful, but it takes parental commitment. You must be willing to get the book and read it, know it, and then be prepared. You will need to committ a day to training. To staying home and teaching the method. When you are done, not only will you have a child who has dry pants and goes in the toilet, but they will be able to do it themselves, and they will be happy. It is wonderful. And remember, if you have an older child that you have tried to train without success, consider having someone else use this method and train them. Their father, or a close friend, even a responsible teenage sibling. Don’t deviate from the process and you will see amazing results.

Disclaimer: Just because a child has been trained, doesn’t mean they are perfect. Accidents can still happen. I have helped countless numbers of families use the method with 100% success. I have used it on three of our 4 children, and in the next few months will use it on our fourth child. I train them in the morning and by the afternoon, we are out running errands without diapers.

What ages do you usually train your children?
Any success stories with this method?

Have a question or just want to say hello.

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May 9, 2013 · Filed under: Parenting Help, Parenting Tips with Heather Johnson Tagged with