Parenting Tips with Heather Johnson

Tips For Surviving and Enjoying Summer Break with Kids

A friend and I were talking a few days ago. Both in disbelief that the kids only have a week of school left and then it will be summer break. Where has the past school year gone?

Moms seems to have a love/hate relationship with summer. They are excited to have their children home more, excited to not have so many responsibilities (places to be), but feeling anxious about all the time that will need to be filled. “Mom I’m Booooooorrrrrred” seems to instill fear in mother’s around the world.

There are lost of resources and ideas for activities and things to do during the summer months, but here are some general thoughts to help ease the anxiety that might be threatening your summer fun.

First, it is easy to get overwhelmed by all the grand ideas floating around the internet about how to spend your summer. Don’t let yourself feel bad if you don’t have a list of 1000 things to do. One of the most beautiful things, and my favorite part about summer, is that it allows families to have down time. Isn’t that what summer break is for? Allow your family to have down time also. Every minute of every day does not need to be scheduled or planned.

Plan unscheduled time for your children this summer.

Don’t abandon routine. A completely unstructured summer will lead to stress, boredom, and a very crazy messy house. Just because school is not in session, doesn’t mean routine and responsibilities should go out the window. Give your children responsibilities that are appropriate for their ages and abilities and be sure those things are taken care of each day. We have found that the best time for chores and household responsibilities are first thing in the morning. Help your children understand that when things are in order at home, it leaves more time for your family to do all the fun things summer has to offer.

Consider service. One of the best things we can do for our children, is teach them the importance of serving and helping others. While you are planning your summer activities, be willing to focus more on service oriented activities. Seeing the needs of others and finding ways to help those around us is a lifelong skill we want our children to develop. Summer is the perfect time to start working on it.

Plan ahead. Take a few minutes to do some research about all the fun things your city has to offer over the next few months. Most places you will want to visit, do promotions, two for one days, kids free days etc… These are good things to know in advance and great to put on the calendar. That way, you have planned ahead and saved money too. There is nothing wrong with calendaring your next few months. Plan in your vacations, and experiences so the whole family can see not only what is coming up, but what available time your family has to do other things too.

Ask for input. Ask your children what they want to do this summer. They have been dreaming about it too :). They are certain to have opinions, and including them will help them feel in control and assume ownership over their actions throughout the next few months. They will also be much more likely to take care of their chores and responsibilities when they know they are getting to participate in things they are excited about, because they helped choose them.

Regulate Screen Time Early. Don’t let technology get the best of your family. Set your screen time guidelines BEFORE the summer gets under way. Otherwise you will find yourself fighting the TV fight every day. Can your children watch an hour a day? Only a certain show each day? 30 minutes a day on the computer? Lay down the technology laws early and you will have a much smoother summer.

Don’t forget the books. One of the best activities for your children to be involved in over the next few months, is continued reading. It will help them retain what they learned in school, and keep their minds and imaginations sharp. Whether they can read themselves, or you read to them, it is worth spending the extra time to help them read each day. Reading seems to fit really well into summer mornings. It’s a great thing to get it done right around the same time children are taking care of their chores and responsibilities. I also like to have the kids take an afternoon break to slow down and read.

Needs and Values. Want to know what to plan this summer? Sit down and write out a list of the needs your family has, and the values that you want them to learn or work on. Once you have identified those things, start plugging in activities that help you accomplish those goals. You will find this simple exercise brings meaning to your summer plans and gives you a great focus in your planning.

Love them. Instead of thinking about how stressful it might be to entertain our children over the next few months, think about how wonderful it is going to be to see their smiling faces each day. Take the time to get to know them, talk to them more, laugh with them more, and share more experiences with them.

Here’s to making many summer memories!

Does summer vacation make you anxious?

What is your favorite thing to do with your children in the summer?

Have a question or just want to say hello.

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Toilet Training Part 2

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Last post, Toilet Training Part 1, we talked about helpful guidelines to follow when it comes to preparing your child for toilet training, and also helping you to gauge if your child is ready to be trained. Now….

Recognize, that no matter what the age, but especially if you are struggling to train an older child, it is usually not about their ability to be trained, it is all about CONTROL.

We can control or force everything upon a child, but, Going to the bathroom is the one thing that children have ultimate control over. Ultimate Control. They decided where and when they will go, and there is little, if anything that we can do about it. Some children will hold on to this for as long as they can. The child feels like they don’t have control over their lives so they try to gain control by hanging on to the one thing they are ultimately in charge of. Their bowels. It gives them control over something, and they know that, and it gives them attention and power. Refusing to train is an outward expression of those inward feelings.

So how can we get kids to give up this control so that they can be trained? I offer two suggestions.

Give the child control in other areas. The goal is to have them feel in control of their lives. Give them two choices of what to wear in the morning, let them choose. Let them choose what they want for lunch. Let them choose their vegetables . Let them choose what park you will play at, or the routine they would like to follow for bedtime. Let them choose the jobs they will do around the house or where they want to sit in the car. Give them opportunities to lead and to be in charge. As they begin to feel control over other aspects of their environment they will relinquish control of their bowls.
Give your child more one-on-one attention. To a child who is seeking attention, it doesn’t matter if the attention comes from positive or negative actions, it is still attention. When a child does something wrong, even if you scold them, you have had to “deal” with them, you have paid attention to them. Set aside extra time to be with your child. Time everyday to play, with no restictions, or interuptions. Let your child choose what they want to do. Pretty soon the extra positive attention will help them let go of the need to gain attention by being unwilling to train, or by going in their pants. They wont need you to change their diaper to get attention because they will be getting plenty of attention in other ways.

Refer back to what we talked about last post with a stubborn child. If you have a child that is stubborn, use those techniques to deal with them before you try and train them.

Next, as a parent, when you decide to train, stick with it. In many cases the parents were not committed to training the child and that is why it was unsuccessful. It sends mixed messages to your children if you are willing to go back and forth from diapers to underwear to diapers to underwear. Why are children going to put forth effort when they know their parents will just give in and let them go back to diapers? Parents need to be ready for toilet training also. Don’t dabble in it. Wait until you and your child are ready to do what it takes and then go for it, don’t look back. Stay the course.

When a child becomes toilet trained it gives him/her great confidence and a feeling of mastery. These feelings will generalize into other aspects of their lives. They will have more confidence and desire to do things on their own, like feeding themselves and dressing themselves. This new confidence will buoy them up and push them to face new challenges and tasks.

MY FAVORITE METHOD

Whether you are just starting to think about training a child, or you have a 5 year old who is long over due for “big boy pants”, my favorite technique for toilet training is “Toilet Training in Less Than a Day” by Nathan Azrin and Richard Foxx. You can find the book online or at your local book store.

Not only does the method work, but your child is trained in a day, and oh how the stress is alleviated. It will be a pleasant experience for everyone involved.

Much of what we have talked about in yesterday and today’s posts comes from basic learning strategies that can be found in “Training in a Day”, as well as most psychology books. These learning theories really work, and not just with toilet training. They are vital to raising children, regardless of the challenge.

A word of advice. This method is successful, but it takes parental commitment. You must be willing to get the book and read it, know it, and then be prepared. You will need to committ a day to training. To staying home and teaching the method. When you are done, not only will you have a child who has dry pants and goes in the toilet, but they will be able to do it themselves, and they will be happy. It is wonderful. And remember, if you have an older child that you have tried to train without success, consider having someone else use this method and train them. Their father, or a close friend, even a responsible teenage sibling. Don’t deviate from the process and you will see amazing results.

Disclaimer: Just because a child has been trained, doesn’t mean they are perfect. Accidents can still happen. I have helped countless numbers of families use the method with 100% success. I have used it on three of our 4 children, and in the next few months will use it on our fourth child. I train them in the morning and by the afternoon, we are out running errands without diapers.

What ages do you usually train your children?
Any success stories with this method?

Have a question or just want to say hello.

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Toilet Training – Part 1

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For Part 2 of the Toilet Training series with Heather Johnson, go here: Toilet Training Part 2
Summer is just around the corner, and in our house that means…..time to toilet train the two year old. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?

For most moms, just the thought of toilet training makes us anxious and stressed. But it doesn’t have to. With some preparation, patience and planning, toilet training can be a great experience for the whole family.

Today, in Part 1 of the two part series, we are going to talk about ways to know your child is ready to be trained and what you can do before you train them to help them prepare.

Our goal in training our children should be more than just getting them to go in the toilet. Our goal should be to teach them to go to the bathroom by themselves. We want them to have the same independence as an adult, and be able to go without the need for reminders or continual help.

There are a few things you can start to do when your child is very young, 12 months +, to help them prepare.

Teach your child to follow instructions. Very young children CAN follow directions. Give them the opportunity. Give your child instructions to follow and don’t let the instructions go unfulfilled. Offer praise when they obey.
Teach your children the words you are going to use when you train them, and be consistent. Simple words and commands like dry, wet, stand up, sit down. This is also a good time to make sure you and your spouse, or anyone else who is going to be around while you are training, use the same words so there is no confusion. It is important for everyone to use the same words so your child doesn’t get confused. Will you say potty, pee pee? What words will you use for body parts? These are good conversations to have in advance so you can start using the same words from the beginning.
Let your child help dress and undress themselves. Especially when it comes to pulling up and down their pants. They probably wont be able to do it themselves, but allow them to be part of the process and encourage them to help.
Let your child watch you and other family members, use the bathroom. Explain to them what you are doing. “Mommy is pulling down my pants so I can go to the bathroom.” When you are done, let them close the lid and flush the toilet. Get them excited about the process.

One thing that is always tricky, is figuring out if your child is ready to be trained. Training too early can cause problems, and training to late should be avoided also.

Research shows that as a child grows older, the lack of toilet training causes greater strains and tensions on family life and on the relationship between mothers and their children.

And, when you have older children who have yet to be trained, this usually means that there have been past training attempts that have failed. Past failures can lead to children going in their pants on purpose so they can get attention. (We will talk about this more in the next post.) When a mother sees that her child has wet their pants again she is usually upset and expresses disappointment to the child. The disappointment causes the child to feel they are no longer a source of happiness to their parents, but instead frustration.

There can be a lot of baggage in the relationship if past attempts have failed. If you have had unsuccessful attempts toilet training a child, it is a good idea to consider having someone else train your child. Grandparent, father, close friend…) Handling toilet training the wrong way can lead to parents having to “mend” past hidden damage.

How do you know if your child is ready to be toilet trained? Most children 20 months and older can be trained. But every child is different. There are three readiness tests you can use to determine if the time is right.

1. Bladder Control

* Does your child urinate all at one time, or “dribble” throughout the day?

* Does your child seem to know when they are about to go to the bathroom?

* Does you child stay dry for hours at a time?

If your child does all three, they have passed the test. Even if your child doesn’t tell you they are about to go, they might still be ready to train if they do the other two.

2. Physical Development

* Can your child walk from one room to another easily and without assistance?

* Does your child have enough coordination to pick objects up easily?

3. Understanding and following directions

* Ask them to follow you to another room.

* Ask them to copy you.

* Ask them to touch their nose, eyes, and mouth.

* Ask them to bring and object to you.

* Ask them to stand up

* Ask them to sit down

If your child isn’t able to follow the above instructions, you will want to work with them on following instructions before you start training. It could be that they are too young so they don’t understand yet. If they are older, then it could be that they are being stubborn. If you know they understand what you are asking, but still refuse to follow the instructions, address this before you start to train.

Here are some tips to help you teach a stubborn child to follow instructions.

Be sure you have the child’s attention before you give instructions.
Make sure you are next to your child before you give instructions.
Do not give a second instruction until the first one has been completed.
Provide gently manual guidance within a second or two after the instruction is given if the child doesn’t follow on their own. (Help them)
Don’t let a temper tantrum stop you from seeing that the instructions are followed.
When they follow instructions, be excited and enthusiastic.

Use these rules as you go about your everyday life and tasks. When your child follows instructions, give them the readiness test again and if they pass, they are ready to be trained.

Toilet Training Part 2 will get juicy. For Part 2 of the Toilet Training series with Heather Johnson, go here: Toilet Training Part 2

We will talk about….

What toilet training and control have in common and how to get kids to give up the control.
The importance of parental commitment. We can’t turn back.
My very FAVORITE method for toilet training.

Have you had a good or bad experience with toilet training?

How did you know your child was ready to be toilet trained?

Have a question or just want to say hello.

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