It’s time once again for Heather Johnson from Family Volley to share with us some Parenting Tips as part of her
“Parenting Tips” here on The Idea Room. Here’s Heather in her own words…
–Amy
Our son is ten years old and has started playing competitive sports. I don’t know if I can handle it. Any of you ever felt this way?
grew up playing sports. I was involved. I wanted to be the best.
fight, the drive, the need to win and to be the best. I even miss the
confrontation and physicality that comes with playing sports.
*Our son is more passive. The fight is in him, I have seen it. But he is
not big on physical contact. His first thought is not to body-check
someone under the hoop.
*Our son feels that if he is part of the winning team then he has done
great. Regardless of how he performed. (What? I keep trying to tell him this is
not true.)
*On top of that, our son likes to analyze. He thinks everything through. He needs to know the why’s behind what is being done.
*To make matters worse. He is an unbelievable athlete. He is tall,
strong, and smart. His hand eye coordination is fantastic. He has been
golfing since he was two. It is frustrating to sit there and watch him
NOT use his talents.
All of this is so foreign to us. We try to teach him to
get physical, to fight and to force. We try to instill the NEED to be
the best, to not settle for any less. Instead, we watch him on the basketball court as he analyzes everything happening in the gym except his own
game. (Heaven forbid he pay attention.)
As I sit and watch, it is all I can do to not yell… “NONE OF THAT MATTERS. GET THE REBOUND AND SHOOT THE BALL.” It is really hard to sit on the sidelines and watch.
We have asked him if he wants to play and he continues to make it clear that he does.
So here we sit. Wanting more from our son. Wanting to change him and
feeling like our expectations are not being met. After all, we are
athletes in this family. Right! RIGHT!!!
Have you ever felt this way?
Maybe you don’t feel this way about sports, but about something else. Maybe it’s playing a musical instrument or getting good grades in school.
Raising children is tricky. We often have ideals in our minds of how our children should be. When they don’t meet those ideals, when they don’t score 50 points a game, or get the lead in the recital, we feel disappointed.
But… acting this way towards our children is not going to better our relationship with them.
Here are a few suggestions that will ease this burden for both you and your child.
1. We need to stop assuming. We have always expected our son would be just like we were, like his
uncles, grandpas, and great-grandpas. But maybe he isn’t, and that’s okay. We need to let go of the assumptions and enjoy/accept the reality.
2. Our job is to provide opportunities. As parents our job isn’t to choose what our children like and don’t like. It is to provide opportunities for them so they can explore and then decide for themselves what they like and don’t like. We have seen this with our son. We are letting him explore lots of activity options. Although he likes most things, he is passionate about swimming and golf. We are seeing a “fire in his eyes” and an internal passion for participation. My husband and I both play golf, but the swimming is fairly new to both of us. We have had to learn the rules of competition and the in’s and out’s of the sport. It has been good for us as parents to learn how to support him in his passion.
3. We shouldn’t compare our children to other kids. Pointing out that Johnny scored 10 points, why didn’t you?, will not help our kids, or our relationships get better. We can’t compare our kids to others. They are unique and individual. Comparison will make our children resent us and make them feel inadequate. They will begin to think you would love them more if they were someone else.
4. Don’t force your dreams or missed opportunities on your children. It is easy to want our children to do all the things we didn’t get to do. Remember, it is not their job to re-do, or re-live our lives. They have their own lives to live. They shouldn’t be expected to make up for things we didn’t do. We want our children to accomplish goals and reach dreams, but we need to make sure they are THEIR goals and THEIR dreams. Take a minute to evaluate why you want your kids to do certain things. Are the motives pure? Do we really have their best interest in mind? Or our interest in mind.
5. Support, don’t push. As parents we need to be supportive of our children, but not be pushy or forceful. Most children don’t have a clue what they want to pursue in life. We should offer suggestions and then be supportive as our children discover the paths they want to take.
6. We can’t let our own self image get in the way. It is easy to worry about how our children’s actions make us look as parents. We have to let go of that. Just because our son isn’t the star of the basketball team, doesn’t mean I am less of a mother. Or that I need to make excuses to justify the situation. He likes swimming better than basketball. So what.
7. Focus on their strengths, instead of their weaknesses. Although he might not be cut throat in basketball, our son is a good boy. The best. He is kind, compassionate, sensitive, respectiful and obedient. He is a hard worker. He always tries to do what is right. He is smart and does well in school. He is constantly trying to learn new things. He has an amazing ability to understand math and science. He is funny and has a great sense of humor. He is helpful, always looks out for others and is a great big brother. He is inquisitive and focused. There don’t come any better than him.
We need to stay focused on how wonderful our children are, instead of the fact that they don’t care much about getting the rebound.
Is it hard for you to watch your kids play sports?
Do you ever force your dreams on your kids?
JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER
Would you like more Recipes, DIY, Printables and Organization Ideas?
Subscribing to the newsletter will enable us to periodically send you creative content exclusively for Idea Room subscribers.
*View our Privacy Policy here.
Amanda says
This is very hard for my husband. He couches both of my kids’ competitive soccer teams and it KILLS him when they are easy going about the competition part. I have no competitive gene so…it’s clearly my fault ;)
Anywho, the thing that has really helped him is that he joined an adult league. He gets to do all the physical stuff and be competitive in his own right and is easier on the kids. Our town has an amazing indoor complex that offers adult leagues of all levels. The kids and I really appreciate it ;)
Hi Amanda, yep, it is often much harder on dads, than mom’s. :) So glad that he has found a way to express his competitive nature instead of taking it out on the kids. Haha. Great suggestion!
Side note: They are building a brand new sports complex in our town, we can’t wait for it to be finished. Indoor swimming in the Winter is going to be awesome amongst all the snow that will fall.
* Coaches. He COACHES both kid’s teams.
Well said!!!!!
With 4 kids and my husband coaching every sport (except football–which we’re now enjoying from the sidelines–what a treat!) (I even helped with our club volleyball team), I think we’ve been thru it all. Our kids are mostly athletic but some stronger than others, and there are always different weaknesses and strengths. Yes, it’s a BLAST to watch them win, frustrating and hard to watch them lose and/or not play well, etc. I could write a book but really, I can sum it up by saying I learned early on to adopt the mantra: “It’s only a game.” This has worked to calm both of us down or cheer both of us up (well…a little!) many, many times.
This is such an honest post. Thank you.
I wish my parents can think like that!!
My 9 year old daughter is a level 3 competitive gymnast as was I all through school. But where I wanted to conquer every new trick and win, she is there for the social time. I have to constantly stop myself from pushing her to be more competitive. I don’t go to the practices anymore because I was trying to coach her when it wasn’t my job to do so.
Love this post and your honesty! I have three kids – one who is very driven, one who sounds like your son, and one that has a lot of talent, but loves everything and is there to have a good time. It can be frustrating, but somehow we make it through season after season. I feel your pain. When my oldest played soccer, I would take lollipops for my husband to suck on so he would have to be quiet – at least for a little while. :)
I am struggling with this on a smaller scale in that our 3 yo daughter has just entered a new school which is a Christian based school and we love it, although I am struggling to not compare my child behavior (or lack there of) with those of her classmates. She is a fireball, who we work hard not to fan the flame too much, but don’t want to put a wet blanket on her either. She thrives on being busy and not running with the rest of the group, she is a leader for sure. I feel that I am judged based on the behavior of my child. I watch these other kiddos who are very passive and look to the teacher to tell them what to do when my girly is an explorer. She has a healthy attention span, but I am embarrassed by the notion that she is so different than her peers; yet at the same time I am proud of it. It’s a process and we are working through it…she is only 3 I tell myself. :)
Also wanted to add: Sports…my husband played/plays team-oriented sports like football, basketball, soccer whereas I did sports that were more individualize based like golf, diving and karate. I was a part of a team, but my merits were really against me where my husband needed the team to win. This is playing a role in the types of activities we are looking into for our child…a combo of the two for her to see where she makes strides.
What fabulous advice. With 5 sons and a husband who coaches them in lots of sports, I”ll need to show this to him so we can both remember. Especially if one of them drops sports and turns to music or drama instead… which is what I keep suspecting will happen but my husband is in denial.
Love this advice! More parents should read this. I struggle in the opposite sense. I wasn’t into much at all, because I truly was not good enough to make the team and now I want my kids to do it all and be that shining star in everything. Realistically I really try to be very supportive in every effort made, and to keep in mind that as long as they enjoy it that’s what’s important. I struggle with that comparison bug all the time.
This post hit the nail on the head. We have been struggling with this the last few weeks as the parental learning curve has hit us hard with our son starting kindergarten and competitive soccer, at his own choosing. I didn’t even like soccer until his first game and now I am getting all bent out of shape because he isn’t trying most of the time and would prefer to stop and do the chugga chugga dance to the train that rolls through halfway through the game! I keep trying to tell myself “HE IS ONLY 5!” but it’s so hard to let go. Thanks for this post!
I. LOVE. THIS.
Very well said! I want more people to read this – and the other comments! Great discussion happening here.
Thanks for putting this out there!
Heather always shares such great advice! I am so glad you loved it! I agree with you!