Heather here from Familyvolley.com, and today we are talking about over parenting. As parents, it is our job to help our children grow up to become responsible adults. Over parenting hinders them from normal development and keeps them from gaining the skills they need to become responsible and successful adults.
(FYI-This is just a fun photo to go with this post. I had a hard time finding one that would fit so I decided to go with humor. These two kids are my favorite :) and I love their personalities…which was NOT caused by over parenting –Amy)!
Want to know if you are over parenting your kids? Here are three signs to consider.
First.
If you do things for your kids that they can do for themselves, you are probably over parenting. As parents we have a tendency to step in and do everything for our kids. It is usually because we are impatient or don’t want to deal with the mess that could be made if they did it themselves. Instead of taking over and trying to control, our rule of thumb should be “Don’t do something for your child that they could do themselves.” This teaches them to do things for themselves, to govern their own time and space, and they gain confidence in their abilities.
Second.
If you talk more than you listen, you are probably over parenting.
We have a tendency to lecture to our kids. We think if we say it over and over, our children will change and do things how we want them to. Really, we keep talking because WE need to make the point, not because it is best for our children to hear it over and over. The fact is, the more we talk and lecture, the less they will listen. Make your rule of thumb to listen 4 times more than you talk.
Third.
If you see your child as something that needs to be “fixed”, you are probably over parenting.
It is easy to feel like our children need to be perfect. That their grades and performance and personality are a reflection of us and must be without flaws (so that we are without flaws). Fact is, our kids are not perfect and neither are we. Thinking that we need to control them so that they will represent us in a perfect manner isn’t healthy. Our children have agency to make their own decisions. When those decisions are not the same ones we would make, that doesn’t mean we are bad parents. Instead of trying to “fix” our kids we need to do our best to teach and raise and then accept that they will then make their own decisions.
It is a natural reaction as parents to try and protect ourselves from the pain of having to watch our children hurt, fail or make mistakes. And even though it is hard to see our children grow and develop, over parenting is not the answer. Even if it saves us time and energy and worry now, the pain will come later when our children don’t have the skills and understanding they need to be responsible adults.
Have a question, or just want to say hello? You can find me at FamilyVolley.com. On Pinterest, Facebook, and Twitter. Or send me an email. I love making new friends!
P.S. Don’t miss my new online podcast! The LIVING ROOM! The show made iTunes TOP 10 in the New and Noteworthy Category, 6 weeks running!
Do you ever wonder if you are the only woman who runs errands in yoga pants so it will look like you went to the gym? Or feed your kids raw cookie dough? Or do you think your the only one who “cooks” her family cereal for dinner?
Do you need more laughter and less loudness, more self-love and less self-loathing, more joy and less judgement? You are not alone!
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Heather Mecham says
Love this! I’m sharing it.
Alice @ Mums Make Lists says
Definitely guilty of more talking than listening here and wanting to “fix” stuff
The Idea Room Assistant says
You are doing great. I know this just by the fact that you are recognizing that you want to be a better listener and a better mom.
Agreed, yet disagree in some aspects. It is our job to raise our children and that includes teaching them. Lecture isn’t always the best method, but communication of values over and over is necessary. Yes, we need to listen 7x more than we speak, but, we need to speak. The old adage that repetition is the best teacher is absolutely true. Line upon line… we do need to continually reinforce thinking through situations on the basis of morals, ethics, principles.
repeating to get the idea across is one thing…. harping is another. I was guilty of that.. looking back. I absolutely watched my son ignore me and do what he wanted anyway. THank God I got enough GOOD STUFF in before he started innoring as he has become a man that I am proud of as a good husband and good father /provider/
We are all just learning as we go. He sounds like a wonderful son!
Haha! I saw the title to your blog post and thought you were saying you were tired of parenting your kids, that you were ready to be done, that you were so “over” all that parenting stuff, and I thought “All right! This someone who totally gets me!” Of course I laughed pretty hard as I read your article. Don’t judge – I’m 52 with a 19 year old in college and a 22 year old with autism still at home (he is going to school next fall – he’s even applied to schools!), so I’m entitled. ;) Still. It WAS funny. :)