It’s time once again for Heather Johnson from Family Volley to share with us some Parenting Tips as part of her “Parenting Tips” here on The Idea Room. Here’s Heather in her own words…
–Amy
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Our oldest daughter is usually flattered by the attention her younger siblings are constantly giving her. But, even though she is a great big sister, she also needs her space.
There are challenges no matter what our birth order. As parents we can help make things easier for our older children.
Here’s how…
Be Empathetic
Acknowledge that you understand how your older child feels. Explain that it is normal for her to feel frustrated with younger siblings and that you are not mad because she is frustrated. Let her know you are there to listen.
Use personal stories so that she understands that she was a toddler once also, and that she loved to imitate you, or her older sibling.
Using personal stories has been the best way to help our daughter (and son.) One day when our daughter was frustrated I sat down with her and told her how I felt when my younger brother imitated me, and followed me around trying to play all day. I explained to her that “Imitation is the greatest form of flattery” and explained why younger siblings want so much attention from older siblings. It really opened her eyes to the situation and made things easier.
Listen
It is easy to “push” oldest children aside, because younger kids are making more noise. Make sure that even though they are older, and might be more understanding or self-sufficient, that you still listen and give them the time and attention they deserve.
Oldest doesn’t equal babysitter…
Unfortunately, I have said more times than I can count, “Can you just play with your sister while I take care of this.” We have to be careful we don’t do this too much.Our oldest children will resent us if we always expect them to entertain their younger siblings. We shouldn’t expect then to always include their younger sibling while playing with their friends either. If they want to, great, if not, that is okay too.
Don’t make them give in
It can be easy to fall into the trap of asking our oldest to give in to younger siblings to keep the peace. They are not in charge of keeping the peace and shouldn’t have to give up their rights just because they are the oldest. Forcing them to give in will make them start to feel like being the oldest is a punishment. Focus on right and wrong, not oldest and youngest.
Protect and respect their”stuff”
Be proactive and assure your oldest that you will help keep her things safe (especially when they are at school or activities). Encourage her/him to keep their special things in safe places so that little hands can’t reach them. Teach your oldest to put things away so that nothing will get ruined.
Don’t get mad at younger children if they do get their older siblings things. They usually don’t know any better. Explain that they need to ask permission. If your oldest doesn’t want to share, remove your younger children and help them get involved in something else.
Protect their privacy…
Make sure your older child gets some private time to themselves. A great time to do this is when your younger child is sleeping. Feeling like they have their own time will make it easier to share and play with the younger sibling when they wake up.
Celebrate being the oldest
It is wonderful to be the oldest. Put together games and activities that let your older child be in charge and feel important because they are older. It will make it more fun to play with younger siblings. A favorite in our house is playing school, or church.
Our oldest daughter sets up the school room, homework, chalkboard and all. Our younger daughter loves to be the student. It makes her feel big because she is going to school just like her brother and sister. Our oldest daughter feels important because she is the teacher and in charge.
How do you make things easier for your oldest child?Does your oldest complain about younger siblings?Were you an oldest child? How do you feel about it?
Love this!
Great post. I can really empathise with your eldest – I am the eldest of eight kids!!!
Space and privacy were almost impossible. And I knew from an early age how to change nappies/diapers and feed babies – skills that came in very handy when I had my own kids but I didnt really appreciate learning them at the time.
I suppose the important thing to remember is that the eldest is just a kid too. Not a mini adult.
But at least now my siblings still listen to me because for years I told them I knew everything and they were only babies who knew nothing!!! ;)
Haha, Ellie, that is funny. Love that your siblings look up to you still. What you said about remembering that they are just kids too, not mini adults, is really important. And although the child raising skills come in handy and are good to learn, learning them too soon, or being expected to do too much, will foster resentment.
I totally agree and I would add to refrain from saying, “You’re the oldest, you should know better.” This was said to me a lot growing up and it made me feel that my younger siblings could get away with anything just because they were younger.
Her Sunday, good advice. It is really important to watch what we say. Oldest often have the feeling that younger siblings get away with anything. As parents we have to be careful.
Wow! I am the olderst and I relate to almost everything you mentioned. I was a built-in babysitter until I told my parents that I was turning down “paying” babysitting jobs to watch my siblings for free. I was constantly asked to give in to keep the peace because my younger siblings threw tantrums. My siblings always got into my stuff and were NEVER punished because they didn’t know any better. And here is the situation that still sends me to therapy….I had to wait until I was 12 to get my ears pierced and this was a very difficult trial for me because all of my friends had pierced ears. On the appointed day, my parents took me to get my ears pierced and allowed my sisters to get theirs pierced too because it wouldn’t be fair to them if they were not included. They, of course, were not 12 yet…..I don’t think I will ever get over that no matter how much therapy I get….
Oh Phaedra, that IS quite the blow! I would have been confused and devastated also. The only good part: knowing how you felt, you will make sure you do things differently with your oldest. That way, she/he won’t have to battle the same feelings. :)
We have got to be so careful as parents. Our actions have lasting impressions that can really take a toll on our kids.
I admire that you attempt to explain things to your children, my mother always said we were kids and didn’t deserve an explanation for anything. Also, i enjoyed oldest doesn’t equal babysitter, it really doesn’t. Growing up, when it came time to move out,i thought the reason my mom was upset and didn’t want me to leave was because she’d have to pay for a babysitter.. after having kids I’ve come to the conclusion that helping when necessary is great, but i should never depend on her.
Skylar, you make such great points. Explaining things to our kids is important. We don’t have to explain everything, but open communication with the right things is important.
It is really easy for parents to fall into the “babysit the kids” trap. So great that you have learned to let your oldest be a kid, not your constant babysitter. She will love you for realizing that.