It’s time once again for Heather from Family Volley to share with us some Parenting Tips as part of her “Parenting Tips Series with Heather Johnson” here on The Idea Room. I for one, really enjoy all her great tips and advice on things that most of us as parents struggle with. Here’s Heather in her own words…
–Amy
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Have you ever been in a public situation and one of your children will not talk or answer questions? Maybe you followed up their actions with “Oh, he is just shy”. Sound familiar?
All children are different. They have different personalities and temperaments. As parents, we tend to worry and even be embarrassed by our less outgoing, more reserved children. There are things we can do as parents to teach our children so they feel more comfortable around new people and in social situations.
First… The DON’TS
DON’T LABEL YOUR CHILDREN
When we label our children, our children are more likely to “become” that label. If your child is asked a question, and refuses to answer, you don’t want to say “he is just shy”. The more we make comments like this, the quieter our child will become.
Don’t let other people label your child either. “Are you shy”, shouldn’t be something your child has to hear from others. When someone does decide to label your child, respond by saying something like, “No he isn’t shy, just not very talkative right now”. This is a much more productive approach than labeling.
DON’T RESCUE YOUR CHILD
Don’t answer for our children when they won’t talk. Just go on with the conversation and let your child participate when they are ready.
DON’T FORCE OR PRESSURE
Pressure will most likely turn into a power struggle where your child will act exactly how you don’t want them to act, just to prove that they are in control.
DON’T BE EMBARRASSED
It can be embarrassing to have our 3 year old hiding between our legs, refusing to talk to our friends, neighbors, and co-workers. We might think it makes us look like bad parents, like we don’t have control of our children, and that they don’t respect us and won’t obey. Maybe we worry people will think we haven’t taught our children. We have to get over those thoughts. If others judge, it is their problem. We know our children best. We need to do what is best for them. Don’t let what others think affect our actions.
Do…PREPARE YOUR CHILD BEFORE HAND
Explain to your child what will take place in the upcoming situation. Explain that there will be new people who want to say hello, shake their hands, and ask them their names. Give them a good idea of what might happen so they are not caught off guard. Don’t just explain what will happen, talk about what you expect them to do in the situations.
DO…EXPOSE YOUR CHILD TO ALL DIFFERENT SITUATIONS
Don’t shelter your children. Expose them to lots of different situations with different people. Give them opportunities to be social, but don’t force them to perform in the situations. Give them lots of new experiences and opportunities.
DO…PRACTICE SOCIAL SKILLS
Role Playing is a very important teaching tool and will help build your child’s confidence. Practice what to say when they meet someone new. Practice making eye contact. Practice how to introduce themselves. Practice speaking up, so others can hear them.
DO…ARRIVE EARLY AT SOCIAL GATHERINGS
Many times, kids just need a few minutes in new situations to feel comfortable. Arriving early to social situations, parties and gatherings will allow your kids a few minutes to “assess” the setting, and even meet a few people before everyone arrives. It gives them time to warm up to the people and the environment. They are able to already establish their position in the environment instead of “arriving into an environment already in progress”.
DO…ATTEND FAMILY GATHERINGS and PROVIDE LEADERSHIP OPPORTUNITIES
When your family is together and you know your child is comfortable, give them the opportunity to lead and be in charge. Use situations that are already occurring and give them special tasks and assignments. Teach them public speaking skills, and let them practice.
Kids have their own personalities and inner feelings. Instead of labeling and assuming, work with them and you will see huge differences in their actions when it comes to public situations. All kids need to learn the skills, it is just quicker and easier for some than others. As parents, we need to be patient.It can be a phase, or their age, and with time, things will get easier for them and for you.
DO YOU HAVE A CHILD THAT IS LESS OUTGOING AND MORE RESERVED?
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Lilac says
Thank you for this post! Growing up I was very reserved (there was a time period when I refused to speak in public at all), and my parents always labeled me as “shy” whenever I was introduced to anyone. It was a label that haunted me for a very long time in my life, even as I matured and ‘broke out of my shell’. Now I cringe when my mother-in-law calls my less outgoing daughter ‘shy’. Thank you for making parents aware of the long-term damage that labeling a child could have to their self-image.
Heather Johnson says
Lilac, thank you for your comment. You have an advantage with your daughter because you know how it feels to be labeled. Don’t hesitate to ask your mother-in-law to refrain from calling your daughter “shy”. Explain how it affected you and tell her how you would like her to handle the situation instead. She will understand because she loves you and her granddaughter. You will also know that it is really helping your daughter. :)
Oh this is soooo true! Ask me how I know! *I* was that labeled child! I’m the youngest of 7 and whenever I didn’t speak, because, yes, I was very, very shy, I think my mom was embarrassed–and I don’t blame her–but I can STILL hear that phrase, “oh, she’s just shy” over and over in my head! I don’t know that hearing it made me more shy but it caused me to use it as an excuse for, well, frankly being rude and not learning that it was proper manners to respond when spoken to. Years later, I found out that a lot of other kids thought I was a snob!? Just because I was shy and didn’t speak! I now have 4 children, one of which was very shy as a child but I never, ever labeled her that–at least never in front of her–and she learned to speak up….which eventually will get a child out of their shell. There really is nothing wrong with being shy but there is something wrong with lacking manners–I have made sure my children (not so little anymore!) know the difference. Labels can be awful things.
Cheree, I love this comment. So many little nuggets of wisdom. You are right, there is nothing wrong with being “shy”, but lacking manners, yep, that’s a problem. And, labeling will empower our children to use it as an excuse, which then makes them more like the label. It is a vicious cycle. Love that you were able to take your experiences and apply them to your own 4 kids, making their experiences growing up, better. :)
I completely agree!! As soon as kids are labeled shy and know what that word means, they automatically become that, even if they are not. At least that’s how I use to be, and I think that is what happened to me! Great information!
Laura, thanks for your comment. Labels DO stick, and as parents we have to be really careful what we say.
Thank you! This is totally true of my eldest, and I do struggle with the don’ts, and am working on the do’s. I am curious though, at what age do you think they are actually knowingly being rude and can help not doing so?
Miriam, that is a good question. Hard to say an exact age, it will be different for every child, but even a 3 year knows they are being rude :) Helping them understand how their actions affect other people, and role playing with our kids will make a big difference. Then they can understand that rude hurts other’s feelings and it will help them have a desire to modify their behavior.
I love this post! I was labeled “shy” as a child and I never felt like I could speak up even when I did feel comfortable in a situation. I have always wondered how to help my future kids with this, so thank you thank you thank you!
Hannah, so glad this was helpful. Thank you for your kind comment.
Thank you!
I was shy when I was young. Still am. Now I’m swing it in my 2 yr old. He is extremely uncomfortable in new environments. It’s something that I’m having a hard time with dealing and accepting. Talking to him about situations beforehand is something I really need to work on.
Hi Carrie, thank you for your comment. Talking to your son before hand will really help prepare him and ease his worries in situations. Good luck, two is a really fun age.
While I totally agree with the concept of not labeling your children, I’m wondering why we are talking about the word “shy” as if it is a bad thing. Feeling shy is completely normal and acceptable, right? I will often ask my children if they are feeling shy that day–because it is okay to feel that way. I am careful not to label them as “always shy” but I also don’t want them to think it is wrong or bad to feel that way. Perhaps I am just defining it differently: you may be describing shy as a painful, uncomfortable feeling, when I am thinking of it as a desire to just be quiet and observe in a certain situation.
Hi Carolyn, Great points. No, being shy is not a bad thing. And you are right, there is a need for our kids to know that it is okay to have feelings of being quiet and observing. What we don’t want to do is label them, and as Cheree pointed out in a previous comment, kids need to understand the difference between being shy and lacking manners. Or using ‘shy” as an excuse to be rude. Love that you are helping your children understand how they are feeling. Such an important life skill.
I could copy Hannah’s comments exactly. : )
Hi Rachel, thanks for your comment. Hannah did say it well, didn’t she!
This is some great advice Heather. I grew up with the shy label too and it still has a tendency to creep up on me in social situations! Even though I am a full grown woman. Great advice to help your kids who may struggle with “shy” tendencies and who may need extra help to learn how to handle social situations. A great life skill to learn at an early age.
Thanks Amy, there is an amazing group of women here on The Idea Room. I love being a part.
Great advice! I was the youngest of four and was often labeled “shy”, and was uncomfortable to be put on the spot in social situations. I now have a granddaughter that is quiet and don’t want to do the same thing to her! I am going to show this to my daughter. It might seem like this granddaughter is quiet because in comparison her older sister is a chatterbox-plus!
Hi Sue, thanks for your comment. I hope the post is helpful for your daughter and granddaughter. We have a little one who loves to chatter too!
Love this post! I was often labeled as shy when I was little and it is so hard to break out of that label. My daughter is similar to I was at a young age, we call it “cautious”!
Hi Amy, you’re right. It is really hard to break out of labels. “Cautious” is a creative way to approach things!
Great post. I was once told that my youngest son didn’t “have appropriate conversation with strangers”…he had just turned 5 and Um…strangers??? This IS correct. That was actually said to me.
Wow, Mrs. B, That would have left me scratching my head a little also! :) Thanks for your comment.
While your article has some good points, I have had kids be shy … and my youngest is autism spectrum. If someone’s kid is being “really shy” at 3 or 4 … they may need to have the kid checked. By your pediatrician or if you have a local Early Childhood Education center.
I have just recently introduced him to the term at age 10. Because otherwise, he doesn’t understand why he feels so differently that what is “normal”. We practice social skill, he goes to special classes at school, but when his basketball coach tells him to just be normal … he doesn’t know what that means. He has normal friends and he has autistic friends … and he understands that autism is a spectrum. Some are more, some are less. My shy kids have out-grown the habits and though are still introverts can function in a normal social setting. My youngest may never outgrow all of his different habits.
Hi Valerie, Thank you for your suggestions and insight. You are right, if as parents we sense there is a bigger problem, we should consult our pediatrician. They can help us determine if something “bigger” is going on. It is great to hear how you have helped your son understand how he feels in social situations. This is a life skill that we all need. :)
As a parent of a couple quiet girls and as someone who is “shy” herself, I’d say these are great tips. When my now-12-year-old daughter was in preschool, she started visiting a psychologist and was diagnosed with Selective Mustism (SM). All through preschool and kindergarten, she did not utter ONE SINGLE WORD to her teachers, though she loved them. Gradually, and with the help of psychologists both at her clinic and at school, my daughter outgrew + overcame her SM. When my daughter ran for class president in 5th grade, I was near tears hearing her speak before a room full of 100+ students and parents. Learning about SM and helping Lauren work through it was a valuable experience, and I’m so proud of her today. Thanks for sharing this piece.
Heather, what a great story. And a testament to your family and your wisdom as you helped your daughter work through her SM. I got chocked up myself, imaging what it would have been like as you stood there and watched her address over 100 people. :)
I’ve heard this advice before about not labeling children and it is worth repeating! Excellent post with practical do’s and don’ts! When people label my “shy” child, I usually say that she’s just observant and will talk when she’s comfortable. Then she’s able to open up on her time and not mine. Thx for this post!
Hi Mary, I loved hearing that you stand up for your child. It makes your child feel like you are on their side, instead of against them, or embarrassed by them.
Thanks for your comment.
As a shy person myself, I’m frustrated when people make me feel “less than” others simply because I’m quiet and reserved. There is nothing wrong with being shy. People have made me feel terrible about myself because somehow being reserved isn’t an okay way to be.
Thank you so much for this post! Being labeled as shy affected my entire adult life. I would constantly say to myself, “Oh you could never do that because you’re too shy.” I always worried that my own children (don’t have any yet) would be shy and have to suffer like I did. I guess it never occurred to me that shy can’t be ‘created’ and that by simply doing the things you suggest above, I can help my children be comfortable in their surroundings and comfortable with who they are.
correction: “can” not “can’t”
I really appreciate this post. Great insight!
lexmallabooks.com
Wow! I needed this. How many times have I said that exact phrase about one of my kids. And those are great tips on not labeling your children!
I agree that we shouldn’t label our children, but rather give them the space to grow into their own people. In our family, however, our children (ages 4 and 3) have taken the word “shy” to mean a temporary state of being – like being frustrated, or cranky. When approaching a new situation, my very outgoing daughter will often tell me, “I’m going to be shy for a little bit,” which for her means she’ll not talk for the first few minutes after we arrive. We always meet their warning of being shy with acceptance and understanding, and, depending on the situation, with our own similar views. It’s nice that they have the vocabulary to express their emotions when going into new situations.
This is a big thing I want to do differently than my mom did with me. I think her saying “She’s shy” was the easy way out for her. She did not have the drive to teach me how to talk to people. Being labeled by my own mother as “shy” affected me negatively for decades. When I was not around her, I was NOT shy, and was seven capable of being a leader, but as soon as I was around her, I molded myself to fit the label she put on me. As the years went by, it was harder to get away from that label. As a child, I believed what my mom said about me (“mom knows best”). Sorry; I’m not trying to be negative. I really appreciate your solutions. I want to help my future child so badly that I am researching this well ahead of time. I like your practical advice. :)
Oops, I meant to type “was even”. (not “was seven”)