When our son turned 7, he went through a phase. A lying phase. I am happy to say that it isn’t a problem any more, but at the time, it brought a lot of frustration. All kids tell lies.
Young Children tell lies based on make-believe. They are usually made up stories of who they wish they were (a princess or a superhero), or what they wish they could do (today I crossed the street without holding anyone’s hand).
Elementary School Children tell smarter lies to sound cool, avoid being punished, and to get what they want. If they find that their lies get them what they want, the lies will become a habit. We want to stop them before they get to that point.
Teenagers will tell manipulative lies to protect themselves and their friends. They will also lie to avoid arguments and punishments and to get what they want. An occasional lie is not the end of the world. We just don’t want it to turn into a habit.
So what can we do to stop the lying?
First, we need to be the type of parent that sets fundamental rules with reasonable expectations, and we need to be willing to listen to our children. When we really listen to our children, they feel more comfortable talking to us and will be less likely to hide things from us. They will be more open with us because they feel respected and therefore will give respect back to us.
Then, pay attention to why your kids are not telling the truth.
- Are they worried about getting in trouble?
- Are we being too hard on them?
- Are our expectations too high?
- Are we stressed out so we are taking it out on them?
- Are they trying to get attention, because we are not listening?
- Are they hanging out with friends who lie?
- Do they have low self esteem?
- Are they looking for approval?
- Are they trying to get what they want?
- Are they trying to avoid responsibility?
- Is it to protect themselves or someone else?
- Are they trying to please you?
- Are they testing us?
When our son went through his lying stage, it was new behavior. He hadn’t really done anything like it before. I took some time to try and see if there was an underlying issue.
Next, be an Honest Parent. Kids will primarily do what they see us as their parents do. Do we ever fib? Sneak into a movie? Lie about our kids ages to get lower prices? Pretent no one is home so we don’t have to answer the door? Kids will pick up on these lies. We have to be honest so that our kids will be honest.
Also, we need to teach our children that in our house, honest is the only policy. Teach them that you will be honest with them, and you expect honesty from them. Make this a family rule, and that they are expected to follow the rule, just like you are expected to follow the rule.
Remember, don’t be too harsh. If we are, our children will not feel safe talking to us about what they have done wrong because they will be afraid.
When your child does tell a lie…
1. Don’t accuse them of lying, this will only make them feel trapped and make the situation worse. During our son’s lying phase, I noticed one day that he was biting his nails. I asked him about it and he lied. "I don’t bite them, they just flake off", he said. Yeah right. Instead of continually emphasizing, "I know you are lying, I can see your nails", which is what I wanted to say. I explained that "you probably don’t even realize you’re biting your nails. That happens to mommy and daddy sometimes also. Do you think that is what could be happening?" He was much more responsive to this approach. This also means we shouldn’t call our children a liar. We should always avoid giving our children negative labels.
2. Don’t overreact. If your child knows that you are going to stay calm, they are more likely to tell you the truth. They will never want to tell the truth if they think it is going to get them in a ton of trouble. Stay calm.
3. Be sure there is a reasonable consequence for telling lies. When our son lied about picking up his backpack and shoes, when he really hadn’t, I made him go back and finish the job like I had asked. The punishment fit the crime.
4. Stick to what you know. The facts. "Your backpack is still on the ground, be honest, did you pick it up like you were asked?" "I can see that your nails are very short and that your fingers are red, I expect the truth, have you been biting them?"
After the fact…TEACH
As we talked to our son during his "lying stage", we told him some personal stories about telling the truth and telling lies. He was able to relate to them and see the blessings and consequences that come from our choices. Use stories to teach your children. If you don’t have any of your own stories, George Washington tells a really good one about a Cherry Tree. :) Teach your children that people who are honest don’t lie, you can count on them, they keep their word, they admit when they do things wrong, and they stand up and tell the truth, even when it is hard or unpopular.
Teach your children what happens when they lie. You get in trouble. People don’t want to be your friend. People can’t trust you. It can hurt other’s feelings, etc…
Teach what is real and what is make believe. Kids need to understand the difference between fiction and real life. When our children are honest, praise them, thank them. Reassure them that honesty is always the best policy. I am pretty sure I heard that a few thousands times growing up.
Do you ever pretend no one is home at your house so you don’t have to answer the door? Do you have any fibbers in your house?
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Sarah says
I don’t have any kids yet, so no lying in my house really. However I agree with the not calling them liars. I distinctly remember being told I was selfish often when I was a kind & I’m now constantly trying to shed that label. However, I’m probably the least selfish person I know now because of it.
Heather Johnson says
Sarah, thanks for your candid comment. Labels can be so destructive. It is a good reminder for all of us.
My mom tells me to not ask questions that will lead to a lie…
“Did you pick up your backpack?” – no – lie
“I know you didn’t pick up your backpack… go do that now” – no chance for a lie.
“Who ate all the Cookies?” not me (cookie all over their face) – lie
“Why did you eat all the cookies… I can see them on your face” – no chance to lie .
It is similar to your #4 and #1, but I think it makes sense not to trap in in a lie.
Great point Fawnda. We always want to stick to the facts and avoid setting our kids up.
I don’t agree. You are not setting them up. As anything else in their life its a decision. You are giving them the opportunity to make the right choice and tell the truth. They won’t be able to avoid making choices when they are older. Parenting is to prepare them for life. Not to teach them to avoid making the right choices.
There are some really great points in this, Heather, and some phrases that I would like to adopt for when I deal with situations where I suspect lying might be happening.
Suzanne, I am so glad the points were helpful! Lying can be so frustrating to us as parents. It helps to know how to approach the situations.
I don’t even have kids, and THAT was some great friggin’ advice.
Mandy, that was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I laughed out loud. Thanks for putting a smile on my face today.
This was awesome! We are working on this with our son’s ABA therapist and alot of your tips were things we were trying!
Love this article, but I wonder what your thoughts are on addressing the issue when you don’t see any evidence. Example, say if your child was spreading rumors about another kid and said he didnt do it. Thoughts?
I’m seeing some help. My daughter is not quite four yet and we’ve noticed when she lies, it seems like she wants to get caught. Example: I told her she couldn’t have any more candy and a few minutes later I found her sneaking candy. So I asked her to spit out what was in her mouth and throw away what was in her hands. A minute later she said “I don’t have anything in my mouth,” and there was a candy in her cheek. I hadn’t asked her–she volunteered the information. I’m not sure what kind of consequences to impose. She already had to throw out the candy she had. What else should I have done? I’m not sure why she’s telling these little lies and “asking” to be caught. Will a child this age have any concept of “people won’t want to be your friend” or “I can’t trust you”?
^I’m seeking some help.
Great advice! I wish my step-daughter would quit lying. She lies all the time about the most ridiculous things. First off she’s 10, almost 11. She lies about changing her underwear and brushing her teeth. She lies about schoolwork. She has excuses for everything. We’ve made it very clear this behavior is unacceptable but yet it continues. I’m not even sure why she does it. I know her mother lies, ALOT. She’s been taught at that house that lying is perfectly ok. There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to correct a behavior when only half the parents in the situation are trying. It’s really hard to try and raise a functional child out a nasty divorce situation. **sigh**
I can relate to Meredith. I have the same thing happening to me. My step-son’s mother lies and he sees her get away with it and since we only get him every other weekend we feel helpless. I have expressed to him that when you lie there are consequences for lying. He only see’s those with us and then it makes us look mean. I have tried explaining to him that part of the job of a parent or step-parent is to teach him right from wrong, but I fear that he see’s me as the evil step-mother.
My 5 year old little girl has just recently started the lying phase and to begin with it was little things like picking something up or flushing the potty… but now she has started making up stories to back up her lies. I have tried explaining the reasons that lying is bad but nothing seems to be working.