Parenting Tips with Heather Johnson - 2/16

Toilet Training – Part 1

For Part 2 of the Toilet Training series with Heather Johnson, go here: Toilet Training Part 2
Summer is just around the corner, and in our house that means…..time to toilet train the two year old. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?

For most moms, just the thought of toilet training makes us anxious and stressed. But it doesn’t have to. With some preparation, patience and planning, toilet training can be a great experience for the whole family.

Today, in Part 1 of the two part series, we are going to talk about ways to know your child is ready to be trained and what you can do before you train them to help them prepare.

Our goal in training our children should be more than just getting them to go in the toilet. Our goal should be to teach them to go to the bathroom by themselves. We want them to have the same independence as an adult, and be able to go without the need for reminders or continual help.

There are a few things you can start to do when your child is very young, 12 months +, to help them prepare.

Teach your child to follow instructions. Very young children CAN follow directions. Give them the opportunity. Give your child instructions to follow and don’t let the instructions go unfulfilled. Offer praise when they obey.
Teach your children the words you are going to use when you train them, and be consistent. Simple words and commands like dry, wet, stand up, sit down. This is also a good time to make sure you and your spouse, or anyone else who is going to be around while you are training, use the same words so there is no confusion. It is important for everyone to use the same words so your child doesn’t get confused. Will you say potty, pee pee? What words will you use for body parts? These are good conversations to have in advance so you can start using the same words from the beginning.
Let your child help dress and undress themselves. Especially when it comes to pulling up and down their pants. They probably wont be able to do it themselves, but allow them to be part of the process and encourage them to help.
Let your child watch you and other family members, use the bathroom. Explain to them what you are doing. “Mommy is pulling down my pants so I can go to the bathroom.” When you are done, let them close the lid and flush the toilet. Get them excited about the process.

One thing that is always tricky, is figuring out if your child is ready to be trained. Training too early can cause problems, and training to late should be avoided also.

Research shows that as a child grows older, the lack of toilet training causes greater strains and tensions on family life and on the relationship between mothers and their children.

And, when you have older children who have yet to be trained, this usually means that there have been past training attempts that have failed. Past failures can lead to children going in their pants on purpose so they can get attention. (We will talk about this more in the next post.) When a mother sees that her child has wet their pants again she is usually upset and expresses disappointment to the child. The disappointment causes the child to feel they are no longer a source of happiness to their parents, but instead frustration.

There can be a lot of baggage in the relationship if past attempts have failed. If you have had unsuccessful attempts toilet training a child, it is a good idea to consider having someone else train your child. Grandparent, father, close friend…) Handling toilet training the wrong way can lead to parents having to “mend” past hidden damage.

How do you know if your child is ready to be toilet trained? Most children 20 months and older can be trained. But every child is different. There are three readiness tests you can use to determine if the time is right.

1. Bladder Control

* Does your child urinate all at one time, or “dribble” throughout the day?

* Does your child seem to know when they are about to go to the bathroom?

* Does you child stay dry for hours at a time?

If your child does all three, they have passed the test. Even if your child doesn’t tell you they are about to go, they might still be ready to train if they do the other two.

2. Physical Development

* Can your child walk from one room to another easily and without assistance?

* Does your child have enough coordination to pick objects up easily?

3. Understanding and following directions

* Ask them to follow you to another room.

* Ask them to copy you.

* Ask them to touch their nose, eyes, and mouth.

* Ask them to bring and object to you.

* Ask them to stand up

* Ask them to sit down

If your child isn’t able to follow the above instructions, you will want to work with them on following instructions before you start training. It could be that they are too young so they don’t understand yet. If they are older, then it could be that they are being stubborn. If you know they understand what you are asking, but still refuse to follow the instructions, address this before you start to train.

Here are some tips to help you teach a stubborn child to follow instructions.

Be sure you have the child’s attention before you give instructions.
Make sure you are next to your child before you give instructions.
Do not give a second instruction until the first one has been completed.
Provide gently manual guidance within a second or two after the instruction is given if the child doesn’t follow on their own. (Help them)
Don’t let a temper tantrum stop you from seeing that the instructions are followed.
When they follow instructions, be excited and enthusiastic.

Use these rules as you go about your everyday life and tasks. When your child follows instructions, give them the readiness test again and if they pass, they are ready to be trained.

Toilet Training Part 2 will get juicy. For Part 2 of the Toilet Training series with Heather Johnson, go here: Toilet Training Part 2

We will talk about….

What toilet training and control have in common and how to get kids to give up the control.
The importance of parental commitment. We can’t turn back.
My very FAVORITE method for toilet training.

Have you had a good or bad experience with toilet training?

How did you know your child was ready to be toilet trained?

Have a question or just want to say hello.

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How to Talk to Our Children About Strangers

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Throughout our stint as parents, there will be plenty of tough conversations we will have to have with our children. One that is always tough for me is talking to our kids about strangers. I don’t even want to think about it, let alone have to talk about it. In fact it makes me nervous typing about it. I worry about being able to teach them without scaring them. Never the less, it is a conversation we MUST have. More than once in fact.

With summer around the corner, our kids are going to be outside more, riding their bikes around the neighbor and playing with their friends. Now is the perfect time to start talking to them about strangers and what to do if they are ever faced with the situation.

Let me help you with the conversation.

The first thing we want to do is help our children understand what a stranger is. We need to help our children understand that strangers don’t have to look evil and mean like portrayed on TV and in movies. A stranger is anyone that your family doesn’t know very well.

The first time we sat down with our daughter to talk about strangers, I explained to her what a stranger was. Then she said, ” okay, but we don’t know policemen, so are they strangers”?

Uh, I wasn’t really expecting that. But I am so glad she asked.

We need to distinguish between bad strangers and safe strangers. Safe strangers are people that our children can go to for help. This would include policemen, firemen and teachers. Take time to talk about the difference between safe strangers and bad strangers.

Once your child understands what a stranger is, it is time to talk about dangerous situations your child might face. (Add any others you feel are appropriate).

Dangerous situations include (but are not limited to)…

When someone asks them for directions or help. This would include being asked to find a missing dog etc…
When someone asks your child to keep something a secret.
If someone does or says something that makes them uncomfortable.
If someone encourages them to disobey you, break family rules, or do something wrong.
If someone asks them to come up to a car window or follow them somewhere.
If someone tries to grab or touch your child.

In these situations they need to get away and tell an adult immediately. We also need to explain to our children that they will never get in trouble for telling an adult about the situation. It is not tattling and they will not get in trouble for “telling on” an adult. We also want them to know that they will not get in trouble for disobeying or saying “no” to an adult in a dangerous situation.

Once our children understand what a stranger is, and what a dangerous situation is, we MUST role play situations that our children might be faced with. Role playing is one of the most powerful parenting tools we have. It prepares our children so that when they are faced with the situation, they have confidence in their abilities, because they feel like they have already handled the situation. It also helps them know just what to do. They don’t have to waste precious time trying to decide how they should act because they already know.

Role playing also lets us as parents see how our children will respond, and then trouble shoot.

Some role play examples might include…

A stranger asks your child if they want a ride home.

A stranger stops to ask if your child has seen their missing dog.

A stranger asks your child for directions.

A stranger asks your child if they want a treat or candy.

A stranger tries to grab your child.

A strangers tells your child they are supposed to take them home.

Teach your child what to do in these situations.

Never get close to the car, or the stranger. Keep your distance.
Yell “No” as loud as you can and run away from the stranger.
Kick and scream and thrash if necessary.
Tell an adult, or safe stranger what has happened right away.

We have to have these tough conversations with our kids. Role playing what could happen in these stranger situations will help our children know what to do. This will give our children confidence and will give us a little peace of mind as we send them out the door every day.

How do you talk to your kids about strangers?

Is the “stranger danger” talk hard for you?

Have a question or just want to say hello.

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April 11, 2013 · Filed under: Parenting Help, Parenting Tips with Heather Johnson Tagged with

Getting Children to Eat Their Vegetables

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Veggie battles are about much more than just carrots and peas. They are power struggles between us and our children. Today I am sharing some tips that can teach you how to get kids to eat vegetables.

Remember…

Kids have very little say in their lives. We tell them when and what to eat, when to sleep, when to play, what to wear, everything. They are looking to have control over their lives. As parents, if we are always ordering our kids around and demanding they do certain things (like eat their vegetables), we are taking away their personal independence and power. They will act out and try to regain some control.

There are essentially two things that children have ultimate control over, going to the bathroom, and eating. They will use both of these things as “power tools.”

Kids will test us. They are looking to get a response and reaction out of us. They will exert power (like refusing veggies) to see how we respond.

When our kids feel trapped or helpless, they fight back. They know they are dependent on us and that we make the rules, so the helpless feeling leads them to negotiate, talk back, argue, refuse and fight.

Our kids are always looking to exert their independence. Regardless of their age.

That said, we can be pretty hard on ourselves when our kids won’t eat their veggies. But just because your son won’t eat his broccoli, doesn’t mean you are a bad mom. I can’t get my husband to eat pickles or olives. That doesn’t make me a bad wife.

So what CAN we do?

One of the best things we can do when it comes to vegetables is give our children a choice. Yep, give your child two different vegetable options at meals. One option will make our children feel forced. “You have to eat carrots.” Two options gives them a choice. When we give our children choices, even if they are small choices, they feel in charge of their lives. They feel responsibility and ownership. Your child will be more likely to actually eat the vegetable because they chose it.

Instead of telling them what to eat, they get to choose what they want to eat. Now, I am not implying you become a short order cook, or start cooking them different meals than the rest of the family. Instead, explain the importance of eating vegetables and then ask if they would like broccoli or peas and let them choose.

Giving them this choice will help them feel in control, strengthen your communication and give you a better understanding about your child’s preferences and how to deal with them.

Often times as parents we get so caught up in trying to do the “right things for our children”, that we miss the fact that our children are people just like us, with thoughts and feelings and preferences.

In my mind (and sometimes out loud), I say things like, “I worked hard to cook this for you, now eat it”, or “I am trying to be a good parent and help you grow healthy and strong, now eat it”. Or, when we are with other people I worry what they will think of me as a parent if my kids refuse to try their vegetables. Throw those thoughts out the window.

Respect your children’s opinions and they will respect you. DON’T GIVE UP. Allowing choice doesn’t mean your kids have won. It means you really love them and treat them as you would want to be treated. We can’t let our egos, take over our parenting.

Don’t let your kids throw their food, or shove their plates across the table. Don’t let the situation escalate to that point. If our child is young, ask them to use their “words” to tell you they don’t like something. When they tell you they don’t want to eat it, respect their opinion and thank them for talking to you instead of throwing a fit. Then, take the food they don’t want away, and move on. If your child feels you are listening to her and respecting her opinion, she will start to come around and maybe even try the veggies she rejected.

We don’t want veggie battles to ruin our family dinner either. We are trying to create memories and rituals that stay with our family long after the “vegetable battles” are over. Make dinner enjoyable and fun for everyone. If our children know that every time your family sits down to eat there is going to be stress over the food, they will not want to be there. “One bite” or “just one carrot” is not worth it. We don’t need to get frustrated, loose our temper, or get worked up. When we act that way, we are letting our pride overshadow our love for our child.

We have fought the veggie battle in our house. Our son has always been very willing to try every single vegetable we offered him. Then we had our daughter. She would sit tight lipped, refusing to even open her mouth. It has taken time, but the more respect that I show her, the more she is willing to try new things. The more I listen to, and respect her opinion, the more she is willing to try new things. The more I give her choices, the more she feels in control and the more she is willing to try new things.

Other ideas…

Remember that children have to be exposed to food approximately 10 times before they will accept it. What ever you do, don’t stop offering the vegetables. Always offer them, always.

Try veggies in all different forms. Raw, cooked, add some butter, salt, pepper, teriyaki sauce, pasta sauce, even a little ranch dressing could change things. Most kids will eat anything with “dip dip sauce”. There is nothing wrong with spicing things up a bit. After all, most adults don’t even eat vegetables without “something” on them.

Try every vegetable you can get your hands on. Think outside carrots and peas. When our daughter was two she would only eat raw zucchini. Who would have thought.

Let them help you cook. Get them involved in every step of the process.

Grow some vegetables. Children love to plant and tend to gardens. Teach them about the process and they will want to taste what they have grown.

The favorite in our house. When our children are little, I add small pieces of cooked carrots and peas in my children’s cheese quesadillas and grilled cheese sandwiches. Cook up a few carrots until they are nice and soft. Slice them very thin and layer them with canned peas, amongst the cheese.

Use all the tricks, dice veggies up very small and add them to your hamburger meat, your spaghetti, anything. Find ways to add veggies in his favorite foods.

If, for nutritional reasons you are still concerned. Be sure your children are taking a vitamin each day. Along with that, make him a smoothie each day with vegetables mixed in with some fruit, ice, and a little yogurt. he will love it, and never know that he is eating spinach and carrots from dinner the night before. The goal is to find the vegetables they like and work with it.

Remember, this is bigger than just zucchini and carrots. We are building relationships of trust and family memories. Don’t let the vegetables become more important than your relationship with your children.

Do your kids like vegetables?
How do you handle “veggie battles” in your house?

Have a question or just want to say hello.

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