It’s time once again for Heather from Family Volley to share with us some Parenting Tips as part of her “Parenting Tips” here on The Idea Room. Here’s Heather in her own words…
–Amy
“No”
“You can’t tell me what to do”
“Your not the boss of me”
“Do it Yourself”
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Have you ever heard these statements from your kids?
It doesn’t matter how old our kids are, toddlers to teenagers, kids talk back, and backtalk is a nightmare for parents.
What can we do to help stop the backtalk?
The first thing we can do is try and understand why kids talk back. If we can understand why our kids are acting the way they are, we can better understand what we need to do to help.
Some of the most common reasons for back talk are…
- Kids test our limits. They are looking to get a reaction out of us. They are exerting power and looking to see how we will respond.
- Kids are looking to have control over their lives. As parents, if we are always demanding, and constantly ordering our kids around, we take away their personal power and independence. They talk back to try and regain some of that control.
- Kids are trying to exert their independence. It doesn’t matter our children’s age, they are always seeking independence.
- Kids feel helpless, SO, the only way they feel they can fight back, is by talking back. They know they are dependent on us as parents and that we make the rules. The helpless feeling leads them to try to negotiate, talk back, argue, slam doors, roll their eyes and stomp off.
Once we understand the Why, what can we do after that?
Look at our own actions. We need to re-evaluate how we are talking to, and treating our children. Are our words and tone of voice demanding and bossy? Do we give orders to our children?
We are quick to point the finger at our children, but very often, we are the ones setting the bad example and encouraging the back talking.
Do we Talk Back? Most often, yes. When our children talk back to us, do we respond by doing the same? Do responses such as “How dare you talk to me that way!”, or “You will do it because I said so!” come out of our mouths? These type of reactions only make the problem worse and perpetuate the back talk. Our responses teach our children how to back talk. And we wonder where they learn these things?
If have to put aside our pride and remember that it is not about winning the conversation or fight, it is about recognizing that our children are looking for more control over their lives, and we need to find a way to give them more power, but keep them within the boundaries we have set in our home.
Don’t overreact. Our kids talk back to get a response out of us. When we get upset and respond by “talking back to them”, they have the power. Instead, we need to stay calm, and explain what will happen next.
“I feel disrespected when you talk to me that way. I am going to leave now. I will be happy to talk to you when you are ready to use a kind voice and respectful words.”
Then, really walk away.
The next time your child talks back, don’t explain yourself again, you have already done that. Simply stay calm, don’t show emotion, and walk away. Your kids will quickly come to understand that you have no intention of participating in that kind of behavior.
Let the children choose. No one likes to be told what to do all the time. Put yourself in your child’s shoes. They are told when to sleep, when and what to eat, what to wear, how long they can play…etc…Their lives are filled with other people telling them exactly what they can and can not do. If someone did that to us, we would talk back too.
Children need to feel like they are making some of their own choices. Plus, they are more likely to behave when they have made their own choices. They feel ownership because they got to choose. For small children this means they get to choose between the blue shirt or the green one. Or they get to choose if they want to read the bedtime story before they brush their teeth or after. Keep the choices reasonable and within their abilities (by age and development.) Remember, this works for things as difficult as talking back about dinner and vegetables.
Give them enough attention. All kids need attention. Some need more than others. And every child needs to be given attention in different ways. Our son feels adequate attention when we listen to him. Our daughter on the other hand, she feels adequate attention when we play with her. If our kids don’t get enough positive attention, they will work to get negative attention. To them it is still attention. And, negative attention is better than no attention at all.
So… we need to put down the laundry and the computer and anything else that is in the way and give them more attention. Even 10-15 minutes of uninterrupted attention each day (per child) is usually enough to make them feel satisfied. Get down on their level and really listen, really be involved. When our kids feel they are getting enough attention, they will be much less likely to act out and will be more cooperative. What parent doesn’t want that?!
Make things clear. It is important that the rules, and consequences for breaking rules, are clear in our homes. We also need to make sure that the consequences are enforced when rules are broken. If kids do break the rules, WE HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH EVERY TIME. We don’t have to be mean, but we do have to be fair and consistent. Not setting clear rules and consequences first, will confuse kids when they get in trouble for something the didn’t know was wrong. When kids get confused they will talk back and fight back.
Kids are going to push our buttons and try to see what they can get away with. This is not behavior that we want to let go. It will take extra energy and effort on our part, but it will be worth it.
WHAT CHOICES DO YOU LET YOUR KIDS MAKE?
DO YOU TALK BACK TO YOUR KIDS?
Have a question or just want to say hello.
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Thank you so much for all these tips. My 5-year old boy has been talking back a lot lately, but after reading this article I feel that there is work to be done on my part as well. Ana
Hi We Love Citrus, so glad this was helpful. Always a work in progress, right?
Thank you. We are struggling with this and allthough we actually new this and have been doing it ‘right’ for a long time, we really needed to read this to remind us again now that we’re going into a new phase with our daughter reaching puberty.
Paula, puberty, that is a whole new ball game. It is always good to have reminders. Good luck on the new adventure. :)
Hi Heather, All of these are important ideas. I am guilty of interrupting my kids and barking orders–even when I am consciously trying to let them speak and have the air time. I was reminded of a saying by what you said, “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” thanks
Suzanne, you are so right. I find that it is always “Easier Said than Done”.
I have almost always spoken calmly and respectfully to my children (hey, we all goof up once in a while!)…but if we hadn’t been firm about no talking back, it still would have been a problem.
We chose to teach our children to respond with “Yes, Mom,” or “Yes, Dad” when they have been given directions or we’ve made our decision. Almost all the time, by them voicing this response, their hearts have been turned toward the command that has been made, and we’ve had very little disrespect in our home.
We also don’t allow rolling of the eyes, or other facial/body gestures that show signs of disrespect to authority. Of course, this means that Mom and Dad can’t do those things, either!
Our girls are now 12 and 14, and we haven’t had a problem here. Even though the girls know that we are their authority figure, we also spend a lot of time talking with them, enjoying their friendships with us, eating dinner together as a family at the table, etc…all things that contribute toward a healthy family.
It’s easier to begin doing these things when the children are young, but it can be done even at an older age. I think it’s much tougher for the parent to maintain self-control and set an upright example, but it can be done with the Lord’s help.
Julieanne
http://www.JoyInOurJourney.com
So true! I have been trying hard recently to give my kids a choice. So, if my daughter screams at me, she can go to her room. If my son says “stupid”, he can go to his room. My favorite was when my daughter wanted to wear a hideous hand me down dress for picture day. I told her if she wore it, I wouldn’t buy the pictures. Problem solved. So, I have been trying to think first instead of just get annoyed.
Heather, such a great point you make. If only we can take just a minute and think before we act, or speak, it helps us, as parents to make better decisions. I know I can be so quick to react, I forget to think. What a great reminder.
Thank you for pointing out that I need to watch my behavior and how I react to how my kids are acting. I can look back at today and see the backtalking from the kids and the adult. Thanks for the tips to help with this issue.
Amanda, I am glad the post was helpful. It does take all of us, parents and children alike, to help the backtalk stop.
Good article and spot on. Giving them choices even as young as a toddler or choosing corn or green beans for supper so they know they have a voice and a choice. Our goal as parents is to educate them to become caring reliable responsible adults that make sound choices.
The harder part is remaining calm and following through with a punishment, especially if you have had a long hard day at work and they will try to push limits. If you lose your cool, it not only escalates the situation and put them in control, it sets a bad example for them in resolving conflict in the future. Emphasizing that they chose not to obey rules that were previously agreed upon and that they made the choice not to follow is key. Someday they will be making all of their decisions on their own.
Another key is not just punish bad behavior, but reward good behavior with praise and privileges. We have to address bad behavior, but when things are going smooth it can be easy to forget to emphasis and reinforce good behavior and let them know you are proud of them.
My son is 18 and knows that he is of legal age and if he chose to drop out of school and move out, legally, he can and there wouldn’t be anything I could do about it (this happened to someone we know and it was heartbreaking for her parents).
He chooses not to do so as he wants a good education and a successful life and knows that he won’t have that if he doesn’t finish high school this year and further his education further and I hear all the time from people what a wonderful level headed young man he is and I can only take credit for trying to guide him on the path – he is making the choice to be who he is today.
Have I got the only child who tried to respond to this “technique” by walking away the next time he needed to be told off/given a speech about inappropriate behaviour/talked to in any manner that is not praise? In a way, it makes sense: this “walking away” when you are not happy gives them the idea of walking away every time they don’t want to hear something or they don’t agree with it…. We get way more results by setting boundaries first (you do listen to mum and dad, and if they have a point to raise with you, you just reply “yes, mum” and “yes, dad” like Julieann above was saying) and of course we do talk and play with them a lot, but they know that mum and dad are not their “friends”, we are their parents.
I have really had a hard time setting consiquinses for bad behaviors. Each child responds to punishment in a different way. If I put my 5 year old son in his room for a time out he hates it but if I put my 13 year old daughter in her room for the same behavior she just enjoys the quiet time. How do you set consiquinses when each child responds differently?
I agree! This can be difficult. I find something that my child values (for each it is different) and then that becomes the consequence.